12/29/2011 03:19 pm ET Updated Feb 28, 2012

Gearing Up for The Bachelor

I've been recapping The Bachelor and obsessing over our host Chris Harrison's blue eyes for more than eight years. Each season when ABC posts the head shots and few facts about the women vying for the love and affection of the latest lucky guy to date 25 ladies, I quickly pour over their stat sheets for roughly five minutes and reveal my top contestants based solely on first impression, hair styles, makeup technique, blouse selection and which candidate creatively answered the random questions clearly generated by the ABC intern.

As many of you may recall, our current bachelor Ben Flajnik will be dusting off his favorite pair of grey Levis, swilling Merlot by the hot tub and wondering why ABC chose to waste one of his single slots for a cane wielding grandma. According to various promo spots, this season is ripe with women dressed like Vegas showgirls, spackled with leftover makeup from the matinee of Priscilla Queen of the Desert and potty mouths that rival any weathered sailor one may find down on the sketchier side of the docks.

Welcome to season 16 of The Bachelor folks! Below are my favorites.

1. Dianna

I'm encouraged that Dianna is not 12-years-old and it's a definite bonus that she's from California since Ben will never leave his beloved vineyard. She volunteers that an autographed picture of JC from N'SYNC is one of her prized possessions. Had she chosen Justin Timberlake instead of JC, I probably would have personally driven out to California, sought her out after an acceptable amount of Harrison stalking and given her the ST END to my BE FRI necklace.

2. Emily

I absolutely loved that Emily was matched with her brother through an online dating service and had the cojones to admit it on a national website. That makes her spunky. Plus, she executes her Zumba moves on the dance floor and doesn't care who makes fun of her. Another plus in my book. If I had a kid, I'd definitely let her babysit. I'm probably going to regret writing that later, but there it is.

3. Rachel

Rachel is natural. I like to think ABC's beautification crew broke out nine tackle boxes of eye liners, tweezers and lip glosses and tried to convince her that if she is wearing bangs, she at least needs to braid them before Rachel was all, "Look. I have a cool rhinestone stud in my nose. I'm the granola chick who lives at Whole Foods and would never touch the animal tested crap you're smearing with a spatula on that chick over there. Now please get me a free range chicken sandwich before I call NPR and tell them the real story about what goes on behind closed mansion doors."

4. Shawn

The schizophrenic in me debated with this photo for way too long. It was an inner monologue of, "PRETTY EARRINGS!" and "Why so much make-up Shawn?" to "How are her eyelashes that pointy?" with "Is that a silky robe or a fun blouse?" as well as "Ease up on the self tanner sister." along with "Awww! She has a heart for third-world countries!" and "What's your talent Miss Ohio?"

Feel free to sound off in the comment section on your favorites based on what little surface information is available. We're only one week away!