Note: Do not read on if you have not yet seen Season 17, Episode 4 of "The Bachelor."
At first I was concerned I had accidentally flipped the channel to another show when the opening scenes from "The Bachelor" didn't feature Sean just finishing up his morning workout. Never fear -- even though we missed b-roll footage of chest and back day, we were invited into Sean's closet to watch him stand in his boxer briefs trying to figure out which v-neck and cargo shorts to wear. This decision must be a pretty involved process since the camera had enough time to record from three different angles. Nope, this show isn't scripted at all.
Speaking of scripted, as I sat through two hours of Sean's journey to find love, I couldn't help but think that most of these dates reminded me of movies I've seen. Grab some popcorn and allow me to explain ...
127 Hours
Sure Selma didn't have to sever her arm or drink her own urine, but this date was begging for any kind of action sequence. Watching Selma climb a rock and watching Sean watch Selma's butt as she climbed said rock was nowhere near riveting television. Selma hates outdoors and her boobs typically get in the way when she tries to scale things. But through Sean's encouraging words, she was able to conquer that mountain and waste exactly 12 minutes of our time. I did find myself hiding behind my couch cushion when he was practically zeroing in on her lips as she confessed that her Muslim background would not allow her to kiss on national television. Then I threw the couch cushion at the television, shouting, "WHY WOULD YOU SIGN UP FOR THIS SHOW, THEN?"
Whip It
I have to admit that I was extremely excited for the roller derby match after watching the promo from last week. It started off vicious when Amanda lied, claiming to be a roller derby pro. This just in: she was just trying to mess with her competition's heads! I loved her diabolical laugh! She's the perfect crazy lover! Couple that with the fact that all the other girls were busting it left and right, and I couldn't wait for the bout to begin. They all looked like Bambi on ice. Just when it was about to get ugly, Amanda fell on her face and practically broke her jaw. She was rushed to the hospital and Sean became concerned that he was slowly becoming labeled as the bachelor who sends someone away in an ambulance every week. He canceled the competition, asked the deejay to play a little light rock and they "all skated" to Journey in the safe, middle part of the rink that doesn't incline. The best part about this date was the smooth vocal stylings of Steve Perry.
Mean Girls
Tierra has been appropriately nicknamed Tierrable by her housemates. This week, she was sick of being tortured every day and would no longer be subjected to such "fakeness" from these women. She intercepted Sean before he got busy with Lindsay in a hot tub, scrounged up a few fake tears and divulged to her man that what she's been going through is sheer torture. PS: She doesn't like drama. Girls have always been jealous of her. And she's been told she's too sensitive. Blinded by all of the red flags, Sean decided to give her a rose so that she would be forced to stick around. Then they made out in a weird, dark corner as Amanda brooded in the shadows, irritated that she broke her own jaw for nothing.
Pretty Woman
Leslie H. was totally psyched that she got the "Pretty Woman" date and didn't care at all that the entire film is about a prostitute. All she cared about was that she got to go shopping on Rodeo Drive. She even scored a necklace from Neil Lane! Unfortunately, Sean wasn't feeling a connection even though Leslie was super nice and intelligent. He walked her to the waiting limo, removed the loaner jewels from around her neck and sent her back to Hollywood Boulevard to turn tricks for a man driving a Lotus Espirit. Two random dudes serenaded him as he returned to the balcony holding the lone rose that represented love lost. He pulled a Mesnick (famously trademarked by Season 4's Jason Mesnick and his affinity for balcony leaning/crying) and ceremoniously dropped the bud on the floor below. An intern then sprinkled delayed rose petals for that extra dramatic touch. The randos were still singing. It was beautiful. Beautifully tragic. Equally cheesy.
Sixth Sense
Sarah: "You can definitely sense that there are fewer girls at the rose ceremony tonight." Bless her heart.
Groundhog Day
Next week, we'll have to suffer through FOUR HOURS of this show. There will be the regularly scheduled program on Monday night and then an additional two hour train wreck on Tuesday. Plus, there's another ambulance! Will the madness ever end?
To read the entire recap, visit www.iHateGreenBeans.com.
"The Bachelor" airs Mondays at 8 p.m. EST on ABC.
