07/01/2013 05:03 pm ET Updated Aug 31, 2013

Dragon Seduces Innocent Author

The second in a series of tech support love affairs.

The fact that my right hand has recently frozen up has made me a veritable damsel in distress. I can't type. I can't even sign my name on a check. (Which actually may be a very good thing for a while.) And yes, I have always been very susceptible to strong tech support and sexy software.

So I ordered the Dragon voice recognition software from Nuance. (Nuance as a name for a software company did not inspire a lot of confidence in me. Was the synonym for "subtle difference" worth the $125 price tag?) Well, the moving finger wasn't moving so I really had no choice.

But was I ever surprised! Dragon was wonderful. Really wonderful! To have someone or some thing repeat every single word that comes out of your mouth is nothing short of heaven. Not just to repeat it, but also to spell it correctly and set it in whatever typeface you choose. I've had some wonderful relationships in my life but this this was something else. My Dragon was my writing partner. My muse. For the first time in my writing career I was actually thinking before I spoke. No more rough draft drivel coming from me. Every word had to be golden. I so wanted to impress the Dragon with my turn of phrase, my metaphors, my easy way with dialogue.

Then I began to be aware of a delay. The time between my speaking and his writing grew longer and longer. He was growing more critical there was no two ways about it. This was actually very good for me. A built-in critic. What could be better? I would dictate something I thought was very clever and nothing would go on the screen. No matter how many times I repeated my bons mots the screen would remain blank.

So I began a dialogue with the Dragon. After all, isn't communication the secret to a good relationship?

Me: I love you, Dragon. You are the most wonderful software in the world. I just adore writing with you. (These words appeared on the screen instantly.)

When it was time for my weekly blog I of course consulted the Dragon.

Me: How about a funny blog about Paula Deen and her diabetic recipes?

Dragon: Deen's already been done to death.

Me: I got it! How about if I do a fake dialogue between two gay Supreme Court Justices coming out to each other?

Dragon: Not funny and not politically correct.

Me: How about something amusing regarding professional football being the playground for future felons?

Dragon: There's nothing even remotely amusing about that.

Me: Well, I have no more ideas for a blog. Do you have any?

Dragon: Actually, I do. I have an idea about how a dragon rescues a beautiful princess.

Me: Cool. Am I the beautiful Princess?

Dragon: It's not about you. Why does everything have to be about you?

Me: Well, it's my blog. I thought I should...

Dragon: Who's writing this blog, you or me?

Me: Uh... technically speaking, I guess you are.

Dragon: That's right. Now if you'll just step away from the keyboard. [Clears fire-breathing throat.]

Once upon a time in a magical kingdom by the sea, there lived a handsome dragon...