04/01/2013 01:39 pm ET Updated Jun 01, 2013

Royal Nanny Chosen and Shocking Plot Revealed

Brittany Landberg-Schultz, a 20-year-old from Arcadia California was selected from a group of five finalists.

"She was the only candidate who almost spoke English," the Duchess of Cambridge said.

No sooner had Ms. Landberg-Schultz been chosen than she approached My Little Publishing Company with a book proposal.

"Meet me at Books N' Nails in Mayfair. "Like we can talk while I have my nails done."
In addition to manicurists, the fashionable salon/bookstore features girls whose job it is to turn the pages of recent best sellers for clients with wet nails.

Landberg-Schultz: [Who was having the pages of the Wild by Cheryl Strayed turned for her.] OMG! I never realized how many pages it takes to make a whole book. Well mine doesn't have to be this long, that's for sure.

LU: What kind of book are you talking about?

Landberg-Schultz: Like it's a tell-all about the royal baby what else. Duh.

LU: A tell-all? But there's nothing to tell. The baby hasn't even been born yet. Besides weren't you asked to sign a confidentiality agreement when you accepted the position?

Landberg-Schultz: Your problem? No one said I couldn't write a book about...[she counted off the letters on her dry hand] a nine-letter word that starts with a K and ends with a G.

LU: I have no idea what you're talking about.

Landberg-Schultz: You own a publishing company and you can't even spell? Kidnapping!

LU: Kidnapping is a 10 letter word.

Landberg-Schultz What-ever. Anyway, it's going to be a bestseller for sure. And you get first dibs on it.

LU: You're going to have to be more explicit.

Landberg-Schultz: Well, I'm not planning any sex scenes. I really don't think it needs it.

LU: No, tell me more about the book.

Landberg-Schultz: Oh, duh. Well you know that Kate's baby leapfrogs Harry to become third in line for the throne after Charles and William?

LU: Everyone knows that.

Landberg-Schultz: What you don't know is that Harry planning on kidnapping the baby as soon as it's born.

LU: That's preposterous!

Landberg-Schultz: LOL. Just look at Prince Joffrey Baratheon. Why do you think he's being guarded by Sandor "the Hound" Clegane?

LU: Who in heavens name is Prince Joffrey Baratheon?

Landberg-Schultz: Hell-o! Game of Thrones?

LU: But Game of Thrones is a story. It's not real.

[She looked at me as if I had said, I didn't believe in hair extensions.]

LU: So tell me then, what does Harry plan on doing with the baby after he kidnaps it?

Landberg-Schultz: Oh, he's not going to hurt it. He's going to drop it off with the Duggar family. You know the Duggars they have like a zillion children. They won't even notice one extra.

LU: Let me ask you this: how did you happen to have access to this rather shocking this information?

Landberg-Schultz: From Harry, silly. He tells me everything.

LU: You're dating Harry? [I remembered now how she had shown great interest in Harry's whereabouts when she came in for her the final nanny interviews.]

Landberg-Schultz: Well, not exactly dating. We're texting which is just like dating only without the STD's. So, how much?

LU: How much what? You've lost me, I'm afraid.

Landberg-Schultz: How much are you going to pay me for my book?

LU: Well I...

Landberg-Schultz: Listen if you're not interested I can always take it to Random Penguin. Believe me they would kill for the story.

[The dreaded bird. I knew they would love to get their flippers on this.]

I watched as Landberg-Schultz had little Union Jacks painted onto her nails. The whole thing was preposterous. Or, was it? Could her information be true? Should I report it to Palace security? Should I give her a book contract? I was in a terrible quandary. How did My Little Publishing Company get into the middle of this? I'm just a little publishing company. And, what in heavens name was I going to do?