12/04/2012 06:32 pm ET Updated Feb 02, 2013

Secret Meeting Revealed! How Penguin House Plans to Gobble Up the World of Publishing

My Little Publishing Company was able to get our hands on the minutes of the secret executive meeting of the newly formed conglomerate. The following is an excerpt:

Editor-in-chief: As you know there's a lot of negative feelings about our merger. We've got to prove that just because we're a conglomerate doesn't mean we can't produce quality books. So, let's put aside our past differences and come up with some great ideas.

Executive editor #1: Unbroken has been on the bestseller list for 105 weeks. I've got a book that can do even better. It's called Broken. It's a professional golfer's story of survival while playing with a broken toe.

Editor-in-chief: Hmmm. Good title. I'm not sure it's got the drama of a Japanese prisoner of war story.

Executive editor #2: How about this? A genre bender. Non-fiction and fiction. The Game of Thrones meets the Team of Rivals. I think I can get Doris Kearns Goodwin to pen it.

Editor-in-chief: What's the title?

Executive editor #2: The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks.

Executive editor 1: It's been taken, stupid.

Editor-in-chief: I'm warming to the idea of a gender merge. I think we can get Sue Grafton to do a Lincoln book. Lincoln always sells. How about A is for Abe? The bloody murder mystery of the America's 16th president.

Executive editor #1: But sir, it wasn't a mystery. Everyone knows who shot him.

Editor-in-chief: Ah, they just think they know. This book will re-open the case. It's a sure fire winner. Get Grafton on the phone.

Executive editor #2: I think she's signed with another publisher.

Editor-in-chief: We'll buy them and her contract. O.K. what else? Our debut list has to be really exciting.

Executive editor #2: I have a wonderful cookbook. The Life of Pie. It's a pastry cookbook using wild game ingredients.

Executive editor #1: That's a really stupid idea.

Executive editor #2: Or if you want something with legs, how about What To Expect When You're Expecting Proof of Heaven?

Executive editor #1: That's even more stupid.

Executive editor #2: Or, I just came across a very promising novel. Gone Girl Scout. A dedicated troop leader searches for a lost merit badge winner.

Executive editor #1: That's the stupidest idea yet.

Executive editor #2: You know, I'm tired of you calling me stupid.

Executive editor#1: Oh, then let me edit that. You're not just stupid, you're a stupid asshole.

Editor-in-chief: People, come on. Let's not squabble. We've got work to do. We need some more good titles. How about the young adult category?

Executive editor #2: I've been thinking that after The Hunger Games the young adult market is probably ripe for some good pornography. I just need to research the school library guidelines.

Editor-in-chief: Do it! Do it!

Executive editor #1: You can't sell dirty books to young adults. We'll get sued.

Executive editor #2: A lawsuit can make for great press. Besides I've got an excellent contender.

Executive editor #1: You wouldn't know a good book idea if it bit you on that fat ankle of yours.

Executive editor #2: Shut up.

Executive editor #1:You shut up.

(SFX: Heavy book hitting forehead.)

Editor-in-chief: I just love our enthusiasm! Who says a conglomerate can't be passionate about books?

(SFX: More books crashing against walls. Tiffany lamp breaking. Bodum French Press Coffee Maker shattering.)