01/22/2013 11:41 am ET Updated Mar 24, 2013

The Lance Oprah Interview That Wasn't Shown on Air -- Finally, He Breaks Down!

The most compelling portion of the Lance Armstrong Oprah Winfrey interview took place during a break while Oprah and the seven-time Tour de France winner were helping themselves to the buffet lunch provided by an Austin catering company. Thanks to a source close to My Little Publishing Company I was able to get my hands on this secretly recorded conversation.

The following is a verbatim transcript. (You can't make this stuff up. Or, then again, maybe you can.)

Lance: I need to ask you a big favor, Oprah.

Oprah: Hand me one of those Chicken Enchiladas.

Lance: You sure you want one of those? They're filled with calories. And you're looking really good. How much weight have you lost?

Oprah: Never mind the sweet-talk what's the f****** favor, Bicycle Boy?

Lance: Just can you back off a little during this next segment?

Oprah: Why would I do that? Am I stupid?
Lance: It's just that...


Oprah: Cut it out, Lance. Blubbering ain't gonna get you nowhere. You agreed to this interview. You knew it wasn't gonna be no ride in the park.


Oprah: Stop it already! You're getting the taco chips all soggy.

Lance: You don't understand. I've just had some really terrible, terrible news.

Oprah: What happened? Somebody stole your bike clips? Hand me a bunch of those napkins. These Enchiladas are messy sons a bitches.

Lance: My girlfriend...(SOBS) I just found out she died.

Oprah: What girlfriend? I thought you had a wife.

Lance: I had this beautiful young girlfriend and I just found out she was in a car accident, had cancer and died.

Oprah: She got cancer from a car accident? That's weird. And what's this got to do with me?

Lance: She made me promise that if anything happened to her I would still go on with the interview.

Oprah: So?

Lance: I just need you to go a little easy on me given this recent tragedy.

Oprah: Easy on you? I don't think so. I've got an entire network depending on these ratings. You think I'm doing this interview for the fun of it? Because I like talking to skinny, white, cheating, lying bullies?


Lance: Hello. What? Oh, no! No! No!

Oprah: Now what? If you're not going to eat your Enchilada, I'll take it.

Lance: My grandparents! I just found out they were both killed in a car accident. They both had cancer and they were on their way to their chemo sessions and... (SOBS)

Oprah: Geeze, Louise. First your girl friend and now your grandparents? What's next?

Lance: This is really hard for me to talk about but...(CHOKES UP) my dog was also recently diagnosed with cancer,

Oprah: Now, that is a bitch. Do you want a little something for dessert? I think they've got a cheesecake back there.

Lance: How can you talk about cheesecake at a time like this?

Oprah: Listen, Lance, you want to cancel the rest of the interview? Is that what you want? Just say the word and I'll have them close down the set, wrap up all this good food and we're outta here.

Lance: No, no. I want to finish what I started. I've got promises to keep, amends to make and triathlons to run. I just wanted you to know that I'm going through quite a rough time here.

Oprah: You? You think it's easy for me? I've got problems with my network, my cholesterol is through the roof and I'm stuck here in the ass-end of Texas doing an interview with a guy who rides a bike for a living.
Where the hell is that cheesecake? I'm dying here.

Lance: Oh, no not you, too. Why is it that everyone I care about...