03/18/2013 07:14 pm ET Updated May 18, 2013

The Royal Nanny Nightmare: Secret Interviews Leaked!

My Little Publishing Company has obtained exclusive worldwide rights to transcripts of the interviews recently conducted by the Duchess of Cambridge in her search for adequate baby care. An anonymous source in the palace has made these interviews available to me (, the world's smallest, most ethical publishing company. [In full disclosure, the unnamed palace source happens to be a first cousin once removed]

"You'll make better use of these than some sleazy London paper," said the source.

The palace has undergone an exhaustive search for just the right person whose job will be the care and feeding of the third in line for the British throne. What made the search difficult was, that in a break from tradition, the Duchess decided she didn't want the usual British Nanny.

"They're too rigid and too strict. I'd like to try something new," she said.

"British Nannies are so last year's Aston hats," William agreed.

Queen Elizabeth offered her assistance in the first round of interviews.

"It's not as if I haven't been through this whole child rearing thing before,"
the Queen said.

"Actually, she hasn't," Prince Phillip was quoted as saying.

Excerpts of transcript are printed herewith. In attendance, the Duchess and Duke of Cambridge and the Queen with along with her usual coterie of Corgis. The group of five highly-qualified candidates had been winnowed down from over 3,000 applicants.

Candidate #1: Brittany Landberg-Schultz, 20 years old and winner of the California Babysitter's Highest Earner award.

William: Do you think you're up to the task, Brittany? After all you'll be caring for the third in line to the British throne.

Landberg-Schultz: OMG and LOL don't I know it? I have really good references from over 200 of my very favorite families. By the by, Is Harry here? Like I was hoping to get my picture taken with him. Like, OMG, my friends would just DIE if I could Facebook him and me...

The Queen: Don't let the dog hump you, dear.

Landberg-Schultz: Oh, LOL, I actually like it. Like, it's better than being ignored, duh.

Candidate #2: Lashaunta Blake, 30 years old, from Kingston, Jamaica.

Kate: [After an extensive and frustrating back and forth]: I'm afraid, Miss Blake, that I can't understand a word you're saying.

Blake: Me grandmother says de same thing and wen yuh ask wah thing dey telling yuh that yuh stupid yuh cyah understand nun. Me thinkin' yuh new mothers jus need to be smokin' a little more weed, dats it.

Candidate #3: Princess Thorton, 25 years old of Detroit Michigan.

The Queen: Princess? Are you related to anyone we may know?

Thornton: Are u outta yer f******g mind, bro?

William: She called you "bro". How very odd.

Kate: How do you propose to take care of our little one, Miss Thornton?

Princess: U wanna know ima only say dis once: he dona min me, Ima f*ck his sh*t up.

Kate: I was just thinking that perhaps we could do without a nanny. I could take care of the baby myself.

The Queen: You can't be serious, dear. Babies are nasty little things that carry all kinds of germs.

William: And darling, don't forget there's that beastly nappy thing.

The Queen: You've got a good four and a half years of whining mewling and random vomiting until they're old enough to send off to boarding school.

Candidate #4: Serenity Jackson, 50 years old of Goodwater Alabama.

The Queen: A real authentic Southern Mammy! How perfectly charming.

Jackson: Dontchu go mammying me, you white super trash bitch.

Candidate #5: Gertrud Lundquist, 18 years old from Djursholm, Sweden

William: And how will you protect the little heir, Miss Lundquist?

Lundquist (Who was sporting a racheting wrench imbedded in her left cheek): Om någon kommer I närheten av lilla JAG kommer döda honom död. [Translation: If anyone comes near the little one I will kill him dead.]

The Queen: They all seem quite brilliant. The difficult part is choosing.

William: I am rather drawn to this last candidate. But it's up to you Kate, darling.

Kate: How ever will I decide?

Next week: The Final Nanny Interview. Who gets sent home?