THE BLOG
08/11/2014 05:49 pm ET Updated Oct 11, 2014

9 People of Costco

Spencer Grant via Getty Images

I hate Walmart. Even just seeing the People of Walmart site makes me want to stick cat claws in my eyes and bathe in Benedryl cream. The place just smells of tornado flattened trailer parks and untreated STD's. So, when I need to save a buck or five, I go to Costco because it's a lot less nasty. Plus, they give free samples. With free food and a surprising lack of toothless grown-ups in pajamas, Costco is as close to heaven as I care to get right now. Seriously, if they had wine tastings, I would never leave. Costco has an amazing selection of food, clothes, appliances, furniture and just enough walking stereotypes to keep things interesting. Here are just a few examples of folks I saw on my last trip to Costco.

Hellishly Hung Over -- You've seen that one guy who obviously didn't get to sleep off his drunk from last night. He usually has a cart full of diapers, a case of imported beer, and huge Polish sausage from the snack bar. Sometimes, a woman wearing a baby papoose and a smirk is following him.

Express Expectations -- That overly tanned couple in gym clothes who just came in for a case of water and are annoyed that there is no express lane. They stand there wearing faces that say, "WHY the f*ck are these people buying so much?" Because it's Costco, not Walmart, meatheads.

Pop and Pop -- There are always those rather large people with a case of Diet Coke and a dozen bags of Skinny Pop in the cart. Head over to the produce section and start eating healthy things. That chemical storm you have in your cart will not lead you down the path of fitness. Ask the bottled water people.

Home Depot Houdini -- He's that poor soul trying to load a refrigerator into his minivan while his wife scowls and holds their first grader on her hip. Sometimes the child is strapped in the car already and the wife pretends to help. Either way, you feel sorry for him because Home Depot would have delivered and installed it.

Painfully Awake -- This person has nothing but huge amounts of caffeinated beverages in his cart. There may also be one of those lifetime supply bottles of B-vitamins. You just want to give this person a hug and a nap.

Incredibly Constipated -- This is the person who actually buys all of the huge laxative products that you see in the pharmacy section.

Very Vitamix -- Who else buys 26 pounds of kale, 14 baskets of blueberries, a stalk of rubarb and well, a Vitamix? You know this guy probably does not buy the decade-sized Miralax.

Domestic Zoo -- If you're not hoarding animals, you don't need 52 pounds of dog biscuits and two drums of cat litter. (Hides face and raises hand)

Crime Scene Cleaners -- If I see people buying 12 gallons of bleach and a case of Febreze, I'm going to turn down all invitations to their house.

I would love to hear from you. Who do you usually see at Costco? I'm assuming that you go to Costco because it's awesome.