03/18/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Tila Tequila Is Ruining My Life

Tila Tequila looks like my pug Harold. I love my pug Harold. I however, do not love Tila Tequila. This poses a problem for me, and I believe many others who are as confused by Tila Tequila as I am. I do not want to be any more reminded of Tila Tequila and her inability to spell than I am forced to be when I look at any media website, television show, or magazine stand. However, I was extremely distressed this morning when I woke up to find my pug Harold standing on top of me like he usually does, but his face was morphed into Tila Tequila's. He was just staring at me, saying "Good morning! Give me attention!" It was terrifying.

I do not know Tila Tequila, nor do I want to. True, no one is forcing me to look at magazines or any web content that includes her. However, it seems that she is just about everywhere, and it's beginning to make me think I am mental. I was reading a very informative website that includes information about all kinds of things like politics, health, cute videos of animals, and of course entertainment. I saw a post (one of many) about heiresses. I clicked the link. You know how it is, you click the link, the link says "read more here," so you click another link that leads to.... posts about Tila Tequila.

In an attempt to understand why the media in general seem to think that something Very Important is always going on in the world of Tila Tequila, I realized I must keep looking. Yes, I know her fiancé just died. Yes, I know she was an heiress. What I'm talking about is the long term "News" coverage of Tila Tequila that's been happening for what seems like... forever. You know, the bigger picture.

I needed to know what it was that I wasn't seeing, since I am often confused about things that other people find Very Important, like history and war and politics and stuff. Oh and Economics. Economics very much confuses me. Anyway, I thought this was a good opportunity to become un-confused, if that is even a word.

Eventually, after clicking on two links, I find myself checking out Tila Tequila's new website, "just once," I tell myself. I do this because all of the previous posts tell me that I will find out the "true story" if I go to the next link. I always need to know the "true story" because I do not like being lied to. No one does. Being lied to hurts. It hurts so bad!

I reluctantly enter "Tila's Hot Spot." I immediately have the familiar feeling of doing something I do not want to do. I have not felt this way in a long time. I do not want to enter Tila's Hot Spot. I feel gross, but I tell myself it will be over soon. I choose the blog entry with the most exclamation points, because it obviously has the most alarming and Important information. Why else would there be two question marks and four exclamation points used with four words and a pronoun?

Immediately I am informed by Tila Tequila that "bloggers EVERYWHERE" are talking about her. I knew this! I was right! Bloggers and people who comment on websites everywhere are talking about her. But why? This blog post must have the answer. I continue my investigation for the truth.

Here is what I find out:
  • Apparently bloggers buy "pics" from paparazzi with an apostrophe and an s afterwards ("paparrazzi's). I did not know this!
  • There is controversy about "PHOTOS," in capital letters. I did not know this!
  • There is a video of another heiress that I am told I must watch to get the truth. I do not want to watch this video, but I must know the truth. I force myself to watch the video and ignore my gut feelings, telling myself that it's really important so I am no longer confused.

Unfortunately, my investigation was forced to end at this point. It seems somehow some malware has infiltrated my computer. This has never happened to me before. I start getting windows coming up on my screen informing me that something dangerous has invaded my computer, and will soon attack it if I don't fix the problem. These messages quickly become relentless. They won't go away. They keep telling me that something is terribly wrong with my system. It turns out my computer has contracted a virus, which will soon spread everywhere if it's not stopped and removed completely from my system.

After waiting on hold on the phone for over an hour, and being forced to listen to horrible hold music, Albert, the computer technician in India, checks out my computer remotely. After a few minutes Albert confirms my computer indeed does have a virus, a very serious virus, and it has contracted this virus from watching a video.

"Have you watched any videos or visited any websites that you usually don't go to?"

"Yes!" I tell him. "I just watched a video on Tila Tequila's website."

"Oh. Ok. That would explain the insidiousness of this malware."

I need to know, "Do you know who Tila Tequila is?" Albert confirms, "Yes, of course. But I don't look at the website."