09/24/2015 05:47 pm ET Updated Sep 24, 2016

Why Rejection Is a Good Thing and How to Find Your Power in It

Rejection is the kryptonite that is killing your dating mindset, but the onus is on you and not on women.

I don't care who you are or what the situation is -- if you don't learn to re-frame all of the negative things you tell yourself, you will not be able to reach a place of positivity. Your dating life and every approach you make will suck. Women will smell the fear and eat you up.

I hear people via online dating, social media and out in the world; on a daily basis speak from a place of lack and fear. It is a constant stream of not good enoughs, cannots and why me's. A negative mindset will give you negative results with women. Fear is the smallest word that has the biggest impact on your life -- your fear of failure, fear of not measuring up and the fear of the unknown.

You do not have to be taller, richer, have a certain zip code or be at a certain level to go after and achieve all that you want in this life. What you need is to take inventory on your thoughts. "Why should I bother -- I will only get rejected?" That is a statement of fear and when you think like that you hand over all of your power to another person. So what if you get rejected? Moreover, who is this person (that you do not know) and why is their opinion or acceptance so important to you?

That "no" you get means absolutely zero if you are an authentic person and make genuine attempts to approach women. Repeat after me: Rejection always says more about the other person. There is a "yes" for you out there -- you just need to stop dwelling on the time(s) that some woman you were admiring denied you. When you don't allow for the re-frame of these events, rejection becomes a parasite on your confidence and opportunity getting ability.

The bigger issue at hand for men in dating has nothing to do with women rejecting you. The problem is the meaning you assign to it and how you let it define who you are as a person. Add to that, that you have no real understanding of women's hard-wiring. You can't focus on what drives them because you have no idea what that is exactly. This is why pick-up tactics are so popular, but PUA's only have it half right. Pickup tactics are only temporary ways to pretend like you're an alpha male, who has his shit together.

"Most men assume that when they learn a method of attracting a mate that it applies to all women, as if there is some secret master key. Every woman is different. No matter how pretty they look, they can have a disgusting fridge and a six foot pile of laundry just like you do." ~Chase Hughes, behavioral expert.

Something else you don't know: Attraction is not a conscious decision you make. It is a response. Your brain, working without your permission has its own agenda. You have no control over this checklist of biological desires. We are hard-wired this way, because if we weren't, the human race would cease to exist. It is how we are socialized as girls and boys that tell us otherwise.

Women are driven by emotion more than they are logic and they biologically respond to actual dominance (not domineering behavior), leadership ability, confidence & discipline, gratitude and fun.

The attraction triggers will come effortlessly to her when you are:

1. Self-aware and able to self-regulate, while acting on your convictions
2. Emotionally intelligent and have the ability to lift others up as well
3. Have conviction and excitement for life and your actions are coherent with your language
4. You have purpose and actual beliefs -- not just spouting old wisdom that belongs to someone else
5. You have the ability to laugh at yourself and take life in stride, and drop judgmental behavior.

When you interact with women, making their language or word choice transparent in your mind will get you to the root of how they tick. If you listen closely you will hear every need and desire she has. Then your mission is to act in accordance to the attraction triggers that drive her to choose a man. Reacting emotionally more than logically, by being expressive, showing passion for your life, having the confidence to share & be grateful, rings every bell in her female brain.

Lisa Schmidt is a Dating and Relationship coach in Detroit and the author of her own blog. She is a regular contributor to several online publications and streams live on Periscope daily. Dating and relationship questions can also be sent to her directly Ask Lisa Here Grab this free resource to work on your own dating goals and dating checklist.