01/04/2013 04:10 pm ET Updated Mar 06, 2013

Seven Reasons I Will Be a Horrible Parent (If I Have a Child Right Now at This Moment)

1. I Will Assume My Kid Can Take Care of Itself.

"Oh, you'd like to go jump on the trampoline in the lightning? Go for it. Watch out for squirrels. Mommy and Daddy are going to watch four episodes of Jeopardy we haven't seen yet. Of course you can make nachos on the gas stove when you're done. Make sure to use the front right burner because the back is a little finicky. Use the extra sharp cheddar. Oh, and, well, the extra sharp cheese grater while you're at it. It's on top of the refrigerator between the coin jar and the knife block."

2. It Will Have No Allowance.

"Daddy, can I have five dollars for my allowance instead of five cents?"
"Haha. No, sweetheart, Daddy only has five dollars for snacks this week and, last he checked, you ate all the sharp cheddar cheese. So, we need that money for more cheese."

"Mommy, I just cut the grass. Can I have five dollars?"
"Like, with the lawnmower? Baby, you should get five dollars for even knowing that we have a lawnmower. I certainly didn't. But no, you can't have five dollars, because I only have four and I'm using that to buy a picture of a smiling dog off of Etsy."

3. I Will Home-School It and I Will Teach It Only What I Think is Important.

"No, dear, you don't need to know how to divide triangles into fractions. You don't really need to know anything about triangles. Or shapes at all. Geology. Geography. Whatever it's called. In fact, you pretty much only need to know how to count to a hundred. Ish. And gravity. Here is how you open a can. This is important, Son, please watch. Also, after you do it successfully, I would love for you to pour it into the pot that's on the front right of the stove, since you already know how to turn that on; you can just get dinner started while we're learning. This is science. Let's make fondu soup. School's over."

4. I Don't Know How to Teach It Sports

"Well, buddy, one person has a ball and the other has a bat and you throw the ball like -- well, just throw it towards the basket. Or the bat. Either or. It should work, yes, ok, sure. That looks pretty good -- and then you keep your eye on it and hit it with the bat. And then you run? Honestly, wouldn't you rather make daddy a frozen pizza right now? Ok, well, then you run... inside. To the freezer. To make pizzas. That's sports. Touchdown. Yay! Time for a nap."

5. I Will Have to Teach It All I Know About Sex

"Baby, there are two ways to get laid in high school, and I don't know either of them. And, you are home-schooled. So there are no ways to get laid. Let's play basketball. You turn on the oven."

6. All of Its Morals and Values Will Be Entirely Based on Friday Night Lights.

"Clear Eyes. Full hearts. Shhh."

7. It Will Learn to Read From Me.

"A is the first letter you need to know. There are 20 or 30 others, and I'm sure you'll figure them out eventually. Show me what you got at the library, dear. Haha. Holy shit. No. No, no, no. The Giver? Hahaha. The Wind and the Willows? Hahahahah. Wow. Okay. Uhmmm... here. Just watch YouTube. It's like books for your eyes. If you get bored, mommy is almost done reading the final Animorphs. Yes, again. Goodnight! "