01/13/2014 12:09 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

It's Official: My Children Don't Enjoy Awards Shows

I knew this going in... my two boys could give a crap about the Golden Globes. It's a fact.

I, on the other hand, do.

I used to be an awards show junkie, attending Oscar parties at friends' houses, Golden Globes with the girls and the all-day E! red carpet event with my husband on the couch (he's a keeper).

But alas, no more.

Trying to watch the Golden Globes with a 6- and 8-year-old is like George Bailey trying to get out of Bedford Falls.

It just ain't gonna happen. No matter how bad you want it to.

Here's how the afternoon went down:

4:00 (PST) After way too much SpongeBob and T.U.F.F. Puppy (*shudder*) viewing on a rainy Sunday afternoon I declare, "Mommy's going to watch the Golden Globes in an hour so let's turn off the television and do some homework."

As you can imagine this went over like a ton of bricks. The older one did some homework while the smaller one drew some pictures at the kitchen table.

4:55 Homework is done. Pictures are drawn. I wander back into the living room while the boys continue on with activities in the kitchen. Good, I think, just the opening monologue... that's all I really want... I can at least watch that... here I come Tina and Amy. I can do this. Having not seen any of the pre-show I wonder what the hell everybody is wearing and plant my ass on the couch.

5:00 TV is on, show starts. I sit still. Quiet. Trying not to make any sounds that may attract their attention.

5:01 Six-year-old enters asking what an awards show is. I begin to explain, saying, "You'll like it! All the actors are all dressed up pretty and there are nominees and somebody wins a..." He's gone again. Huh.

5:02 Heaven. Tina and Amy. Hilarious. Gorgeous. Tina makes a George Clooney joke and Amy makes small talk with Marty Scorsese. And look at Tina Fey's hair, holy crap! Is it that shiny from that Garnier Nutrisse she does the commercials for? Again, holy crap. I make a mental note to buy some of that stuff. Tomorrow.

5:05 OK, here we go. The show is getting underway and naturally, the 6-year-old decides it's time to start working out. He has my wimpy three-pound weights. He is standing directly in front of the TV counting out loud, doing furious reps, "one... two... free... foooour...." You get the idea.


5:10ish I think Jennifer Lawrence wins something for American Hustle. I crane my neck and strain to hear what's happening but at this point the 8-year-old is busy setting up cups and shooting Nerf darts at them from across the room.


5:15 Six-year-old is now doing laps around the living room and continuing extremely inconvenient Golden Globe work out session.

5:18 Eight-year-old still shooting darts directly next to television. Cups make loud bing-bang-booms every time they crash to the floor. Which is a lot.


5:30ish I jump off the couch because I hear that Behind the Candelabra won something and I'm excited. In my book Behind the Candelabra should win pretty much everything, even if it wasn't nominated.

5:35 Younger child continues to do increasingly more bizarre floor routine consisting of sit-ups and what he calls push-ups, again... directly in front of the television. Darts are flying. Cups are crashing. I think Matt Damon said something.

5:36 I push record on the DVR and wait for later. We go into the kitchen for dinner which is veggie burgers, fries and broccoli. Six-year-old continues doing reps and counting throughout the meal, moving his arms up and down like a bird. I think about how he's burning calories while he's eating and consider joining in. I don't.

5:45 At dinner 6-year-old asks me how I liked the big awards show. I put my head on the table.

Of course I didn't expect the boys to watch this with me -- I expected them to be preoccupied doing other things, flitting in and out of the room while Mommy soaked in a little Hollywood for a minute.

And now it is 9:43.

I'm going in to press play on the DVR and see how it all turned out. I will watch the opening monologue again and I will hear it. Sans darts. Sans sit-ups. Sans counting.

Tina and Amy will be brilliant and if everything goes the way it should, Behind the Candelabra will totally win everything.