THE BLOG
12/20/2013 06:21 pm ET Updated Feb 19, 2014

My 10 Miami New Year's Resolutions

It's time to kick 2013 to the curb and make 2014 my bitch. That's right, I have yet another 365 days to become the baddest chick this side of Westchester. To help, I created a list of what I hope to accomplish in the 305 come the New Year. Consider them my very own Miamilutions.

1. Find the best mojito in this damn town.

Every lady should have a signature drink, and my nights of vodka sodas are so 2013. I needs a drink that's classy, sassy and representative of my ratchet Hispanic tendencies. So, mojito makers from La Calle Ocho to Wynwood, holla at your girl.

2. End my tortured love affair with Blackbird Ordinary.

All that's ever waiting for me there are creepers, sadness and pathetic choices. Plus, it's ass to elbow all the damn time, making it increasingly difficult to drop it low. I wish I knew how to quit you, Blackbird. And hopefully in 2014, I'll figure out how.

3. Keep my road rage in check.

Sure, you just cut me off, and I want nothing more than to CUT YOU, but in my quest to become a better, happier, more civil Miamian, I'll keep my middle finger and disgusting expletives to myself.

4. Become best friends with the owner of Eating House.

Because he seems precious and his food is delicious. And he mothereffing won my favorite show on the Food Network. That's right, Miami created a Chopped champion. Besides, who wouldn't want to be besties with the guy that masterminded the most epic Christmas card of all time (of all time)?

5. Get invited to rant with Dan Le Batard.

I can talk Miami Heat all damn day, and usually go off on people simply for mentioning the word "Boston" in my presence. So I'm pretty confident in my abilities to give it to him again... and again... and again.

6. Stop letting my vagina lead the way.

Seriously, my days of chongivity activity and bollo loco are behind me. Goodbye, Brickell bros. Sure, we had some fun, and I'll remember our nights fondly, but it's time that I move on. Hope your 2014 is filled with more lame pick-up lines, shameful dancing and sloppy kissing. I won't be about that life anymore.

7. Walk through Bal Harbour (or according to Kanye West, BELL Harbour) at least once.

If only to feel fabulous for approximately 5 minutes before realizing I can't even afford the air they breathe there. I'll then find my rightful place inside International Mall's new H&M (because, of course).

8. Have more pride in my alma mater.

I'll be all the way turnt up for the Golden Panthers in the New Year. And while I'm still mourning the loss of papi rico Mario Cristobal, I vow to go to at least five FIU football and/or basketball games in 2014. They can lose every single one, and I'll still be repping hard. Judge me all you want, I'll be looking DAMN fine in in my blue and gold.

9. Go to the beach more often.

Ugh, what a cliché, am I right? But mama needs a tan like the Dolphins need a successful season. So... BADLY. My pasty white skin was cute when that whole vampire trend was in, but now that that's over, it's time to get my SoBe swag on.

10. Take salsa lessons.

How can a Cuban who has lived in Miami her entire life not know how to properly salsa dance to a Celia Cruz jam? It brings my mother great shame, I'm sure of it. I mean, I know I can pull off un pasito tun tun, but I'm talking about shakin' it fast and watchin' myself to full-blown salsa choreography. I want to SLAY a rueda in 2014. Preparense.