As someone that was wifed up for the entirety of her 20s, it was pretty damn disorienting being pushed into Miami's dating pool. It's shallow. It's murky. It's terrifying. So, because it's the total millennial thing to do, I've put together some of the ~wisdoms~ I've gathered from my past year as a single lady (in list format, no less!)
1. Don't listen to Drake, and say YES to new friends. STOP SULKING. No matter how much you want to watch another episode of The Mindy Project and be #foreveralone.
2. Never let anyone treat you like an emotional placeholder. Some people are just broken, and it's not your job to put them back together.
3. Travel is always the answer. There are greater things to see in this world than the inside of Brother Jimmy's every weekend.
4. Stop reading into things. He just asked if you had a good weekend, not if you would like to mother his first child.
5. Tinder will always seem like a good idea. Until you invite a guy over and he starts breakdancing in your living room and talking about his job at Sherwin Williams.
6. On that note, online dating may not be for you. And that's absolutely fine. Because people still meet via mutual friends or by joining a kickball league, right?
7. If a guy asks if you're ovulating upon first meeting each other, do not indulge this union any longer. It will end terribly.
8. Stop being a little bitch and learn to have difficult conversations. Define relationships early on. It will save you (and your poor friends) many nights of "Did you see the grenade sitting on his lap?! I can't believe he would do that to me."
9. Maybe chugging an entire bottle of champagne when you're emotionally vulnerable isn't the best idea. In fact, just don't drink while you're angry. The apology tour the following morning gets real old, real fast.
10. Stop letting people treat your apartment like a bed and breakfast.
11. Never compromise who you are for someone else's happiness.
12. Quit being so dramatic, girl. Dumping beer on people's heads, being a passive aggressive monster, crying in cabs, running away. Look at your life, look at your choices.
13. Don't let girls that aren't worth your time affect you. Let them be sloppy, ratchet messes. Don't give thought to thots.
14. Don't let anyone harden you to future romantic possibilities. This one didn't work out? Make like Jay Z and on to the next one.
15. Life is all about timing. Nothing happens when you want it to. The sooner you accept this cruel fact, the better.
16. This too shall pass. That douchebag guy. That toxic friend. You'll forget about them in a few months and laugh at the mental torture you put yourself through.
17. Stop romanticizing people. More often than not, they'll find a way to disappoint you.
18. Bacon solves everything.
19. Eventually all your single girlfriends will enter into relationships and you'll feel like the last woman standing. Don't reach for the panic button, you'll survive.
20. You woke up like this. You're flawless.