Fellas, I know it's hard out there for you too. Miami women are definitely a lot to handle and a relationship with us is not for the faint of heart.
1. The Gold-Digging Groupie
This girl hasn't met a VIP section she didn't love. She strives to meet a baller who will impregnate her. She dreams of being Lil Wayne's fifth baby momma. So you better be poppin' multiple bottles of Ace of Spades Champagne to get her attention. The kind of girl that Kanye was rapping about... only worse. If your salary isn't in the six figures and your car didn't cost more than a small country, don't even bother looking shorty's way. She doesn't discriminate by age or race, just by dolla dolla bills, y'all.
2. The Prissy Princess
Also known as the daddy's girl or the spoiled brat. She grew up getting everything she wanted, so you better prepare for a lifetime of bending to her will. It's her way or the highway and there will be dire consequences if everything isn't to her liking. Imagine Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka. Then multiply that by 1,000 and you have Miami's Prissy Princess. The type of gal that takes hours to get ready for a date. Not because she actually needs the time, just because she likes making you wait. Sure, she likes the material things, but she mostly gets off on being a diva.
3. The Tease
She'll make out with you at Blackbird or Purdy and say you can hit it... but you never will. Because the tease wields her power and she wields it well. She'll get you all hot and bothered and then unceremoniously drop you. She probably learned the art of teasing while at Lourdes or St. Brendan and has frustrated a whole lot of men along the way. She goes to Vixen Workout twice a week to learn how to bring all the boys to the yard. A maneater of sorts, she jumps from fling to fling like a scandalous little butterfly.
4. The Attention Whore
You'll often find the attention whore dancing on top of an elevated surface (pizza counter, bar, pool table, etc.) or causing a scene outside of the club. No attention is bad attention. Nip slip? Homegirl owns it. Accidentally flashes her vajay to the cab driver? Absolutely no shame. And if she spots a stripper pole, get out of her damn way. The type that makes out with girls and pretends to be bicurious. She often puts herself in precarious situations just to have a story to tell. She wholeheartedly believes in the art of YOLOing.
5. The Pill Popper
You know the one. The girl that makes out with trees at Ultra. The one whose entire wardrobe is composed of neon clothes, tutus and those hideous furry boots. The one who probably doesn't even like EDM music, she just really likes getting messed up. She barely remembers her own name and she's lost all her friends. She's impossible to have a relationship with... unless you're her dealer.
6. La Plastica
This girl might as well become a Colombian citizen because she's there every other month getting something done. She claims she's visiting family or a childhood friend, but every time she comes back into town something always looks... different. At this point, you've forgotten what her actual face looks like and her body parts are as plastic as her personality. If her fake boobs and nose job don't tip you off, her blonde extensions and fake tan will.
7. The Hot Mess
This chick is the definition of sloppy. She rocks the pata sucia look every weekend and has perfected the walk of shame. She wakes up with random bruises all over her legs and often comes home with ripped articles of clothing and broken shoes. The girl whose friends forced her to install a GPS app on her phone because she's always disappearing with random dudes. To her, blacking out is an art form. She's given up looking for her dignity because it's long gone.
8. The Moocher
This girl is just there to see and be seen. Her number one priority in life is finding a guy with a boat just to say she went to the latest regatta. She's a popular freebie. She'll give up the goods just for entry onto your yacht or exclusive pool party. She only builds friendships and relationships to see what she can get out of them. Don't tell her you have Heat season tickets or she'll be on you like white on rice. She's not even a fan of the team, she just thinks being at all the games makes her look cool. She has more than 1,000 friends on Facebook but isn't really close to any of them. Her life may look glamorous but she's lonely as all hell.
9. The CrossFit Junkie
Homegirl is JACKED. She can probably lift more than you and she's damn proud of it too. She eats WODs for breakfast and kinda scares you, actually. She incessantly talks about CrossFit and you're trying to find a polite way of telling her to shut the hell up. She shames you for not working out enough or not eating right. She's competed in numerous CrossFit Games and her social media presence is littered with CrossFit propaganda (oh, and a few pictures of her doing handstands).
10. The Cougar/Divorcee
Her millionaire husband left her for the gold-digging groupie or la plastica, so she's out on the prowl looking for her own hot stud. That, or she's still currently married and carrying on an affair with a struggling 20-something. She gets her kicks where she can and often acts half her age. She's the one that makes you feel uncomfortable at dinner parties regaling you with sordid details about her sexual escapades. She's either a Real Housewife of Miami or wishes she was one. Samantha Jones from Sex and the City is her idol.
11. The Instagram Model
This chick has mastered the art of the filter. Duck face is her pose of choice. Selfies are her best friend. And she uploads a new picture every hour on the hour. Not to be confused with the attention whore, the Instagram model has deluded herself into thinking she's actually God's gift to earth. She's unsuccessfully auditioned for America's Next Top Model and Nuestra Belleza Latina three or four times. You think she's kind of pathetic but don't have the heart to tell her.
12. The Import
She comes from somewhere in Latin America and acts like her ish don't stink. She constantly talks about how things were so much better "back home" where she had a maid, chauffer and two nannies. This chick is seriously lacking in manners as a result. Don't expect her to speak to you in English either. Not because she doesn't know it, but because she doesn't think she should bother making the effort.
13. The Wynwood Chick
Find her at Art Walk or Art Basel or the latest grand opening of some random gallery that no one gives a damn about. Homegirl knew who Banksy was before you did and she'll remind you of it... constantly. A self-proclaimed "foodie," her greatest accomplishment in life is becoming Yelp elite. She'll judge you based on your taste in wine and knowledge of documentary films. She's so pretentious it hurts.
14. The Chonga
Miami's number one female stereotype (that's unfortunately very real). She may have evolved past Sharpie lip liner and ordering gel by the truckload, but her Hialeah upbringing is still very evident. She's loud and a total Cubanasa. "Bro," "dale," "super" and "like" are her favorite words and she's constantly incorporating them into daily conversation. This is the type of chick who will hit you with an elbow to the face just for blinking at her chulo boyfriend. She prays at the altar of Pitbull and often brags about meeting Mr. 305 eight years ago at some defunct bar in the Grove. She's short-tempered and will look for any excuse to tell you off.
15. The Yuppie
This girl is so concerned with her career and moving up the corporate ladder that one Xanax just isn't enough these days. She's riddled with anxiety, but still attends every single networking event she can get into. She can usually be found in Brickell or the Gables schmoozing and making connections. Every interaction is just a business opportunity in her mind. The type of girl that brings her business cards to public restrooms just in case she runs into someone she deems important. Caffeine and Red Bull keep her going. Her career and aspirations > everything and everyone.
16. The Stalker
You only met her once, but she already knows your life story the next time you see each other. She should really become a private investigator because she's just that good. The kind that immediately friends you on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter (hell, even Google+). She comes on really strong and texts you multiple times a day. "What are you doing? Where are you? Who are you with? Can I come? I want to see you. ANSWER ME!!!" You want to break it off, but you're afraid your roommate might find you dead in the morning.
17. The Young Mom
She had her kid in her late teens or early twenties and that's all you've heard about ever since. Her user picture on Facebook and nearly every image on her feed are of her kid(s). Her cubicle is wallpapered with pictures, too. Oh, and if you're not a fellow momma, get ready for the condescension. "You'll understand when you have kids." "You don't get it, you don't have kids." It's as if not having a baby has made you devoid of any thoughtful opinions. If you're 25+ without a child, the young mom is seriously questioning you and your life choices.
18. The Serial Monogamist
You don't remember the last time this girl was single. And it's because she's had a boyfriend since she was 12. Even then, she probably had a playground boyfriend. She can't be alone. It's just not in her DNA. She's ride-or-die for her man, whether he treats her right or not. The type to go back to her group of friends in the brief moments that she's unattached and drop them like it's hot once she sets her sights on a new flame.