06/13/2012 07:15 am ET Updated Aug 13, 2012

Splatter Alice Loves Madison

Splatter Alice is a blocker in the Mad Rollin' Dolls Rollerderby League in Madison, Wisconsin.


My Dearest Madison,

When two souls, which have sought each other for, however long in the throng, have finally found each other... "A union, fiery and pure as they themselves are... begins on earth and continues forever in heaven...."

Wait. Screw Victor Hugo. I don't even know that guy.

I was looking for an extra interesting way to put my glorious adoration for you into words, but I don't need help from the French. I got this.

I love you, Madison.

I love every last trendy shop lining State Street, especially when I'm slogging through snow and slush for Christmas presents. I love to hate the college crowds choking the bars, and I love catching shows at The Orpheum.

I love grabbing a salad at Willy St. Coop on bout days, knocking other bitches to the occasionally-llama-crap-tainted floor at the Alliant Energy Center Coliseum and then tooling over to Plan B, or the Inferno, or the High Noon, or the Frequency to celebrate the joy of derby glory and pad stink with my leaguemates and an ice cold PBR.

I love dodging the potholes in the Fast Forward parking lot on my way into practice.

I love feeding ducks at the UW Arboretum ponds.

I love finding designer labels at St. Vinnie's.

I love listening to Venus and Furs at the Wisco, the official birthplace of Madison roller derby, while chowing down on one of the best burgers in town.

I love playing jammer in my car along University Avenue when there's no cops to catch me dodging through traffic.

I love skating along the Capital City Trail, breathing in fish and seaweed from Lake Monona until it feels like I'm eating sushi.

I love your protestors and your bohemians, your students and artists, your coasties and sconnies, your public radio and your Ass Jammery, your ice fishermen and wind surfers, your loons and giant muskie, your Willy St. Fair and your Gomeroke, your WORT block parties and Whad'Ya Know?, your consistently low unemployment rate and your Capitol Square, your free Henry Vilas Zoo and your giant farmers' market.

I love everything I already know about you and everything I haven't yet discovered. I can hardly wait for more.

Yours forever,
Splatter Alice