06/26/2015 01:38 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

5 Signs You're Dealing With a H.Y.M.N (Hypocritical, Yelling, Martyr Narcassist)

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"You're wrong. I'm right! Yeah, you're really smart, pfft. Don't leave me. I deserve the best, because. I didn't do anything. You ruined me. Help me, you owe me, but I'm better than you. I'm totally happy!"

NOTE: Like Law and Order's Special Victim Unit, the following story is fictional based on multiple experiences and does not depict any actual person or event.


"HYMN" (noun. Acronym): Hypocritical Yelling Martyr Narcissist (pronounced: Hymn- like those found in songs of praise- this is not sarcasm it is satire.)

I don't claim sainthood. I have been caught cheating. I loved too big, I've been part of collateral damage, I've also been part of lots of people's growth, learning and leaping forth. I have made mistakes and paid for them...dearly. I lied. I own it. I regret it and I will live with the reprecussions every day of my life. I have lost almost everything and gained some of the most important concepts and discoveries in my life.

Five Signs you're indeed dealing with a H.Y.M.N:
(If three or more ring a bell, you're in HYMN-hell.) Anyone who reads this list and feels defensive or the need to justify any of the below examples of negative behaviors and abuse is probably a HYMN, or a man serving to comment in advocacy of a HYMN he has to live with. Fair enough. I see you. I get it. The rest of you be warned, be wary and be wiling to let it roll off. (Clap!) See you out there!


1. A HYMN owns the "Truth" in her mind.
This is where the whole thing starts. A HYMN believes, not just acts, but truly believes that 1. There is ONLY one way to see things. 2. If you don't agree with her; you are wrong. 3. Her "truth" (like all of us) is a fluid concept. With new information, facts and understanding it is GOOD to shift your thinking. The kicker: If you don't agree with her self-permissive change, YOU are still wrong.

What you CAN do: Consider life in their shoes. I force myself to do this even when my first instinct is to counter-attack and point out all the thin and visible inaccuracies: If she believed the sky is purple, and I said but it's blue, or white, or I get empirical on her ass with molecular makeup scattering blue light from the sun....she'd still scream that it's purple. You can only take deep breaths, forgive yourself for wanting to punch her in the throat and manage to save yourself the time. These types of situations are the Universe's organic filters for you. There are those whom you can respect on a human level and as a person, yet you are still allowed to recognize people like this don't deserve the effort of your energy. Karma works it's magic of reckoning for self-righteousness too. Trust it.

2. A HYMN fights like a spastic tornado or twelve year old:

I have to ask myself if I would have an argument with a twelve year old. Nope. I wouldn't. To "argue" or simply disagree with her version of things will absolutely lead to some, but usually all of the following:

- Screaming, Yelling and anger-whispers (in front of children and in public)
- Punching of walls, persons, and throwing things.
- The shotgun strategy (My Fav): This is where the HYMN will throw multiple off-topic points ranging anywhere from inane irrelevance to petty unproven self-created propaganda to further her point.
-Stonewalling just as it is your turn to talk.

This is where I can find myself truly banging my head on a wall. I can go months not even thinking about a person. Yet, when presented with such childish tactics of defense, deflection and zero ownership of one's own actions, I have been triggered. Self-serving lies that effect people I'm responsible for on some level or in support of bring out the fiercely protective in me. I will go from calm compassion to "Game-on!" If you claim to be "better than" but lie, revise history or spin it...I get PISSED and see red. I turn into Medusa. In a very unyogic, non-mindful way I can start to lower myself to HYML level of petty cat fighting just to speak the language. This is foolish.

What you CAN do: Based on two separate therapists, a good friend with professional experience with emotional and physical abusers and the subtleties that stay taboo: Set the boundary the second she begins a fit. Ignore (this is so hard for me) the psychological "distortion" of her reality and just be grateful to have the choice to NOT engage. Continue this pattern. Period. I have failed too many times to count at this one. Everything takes practice. Being human is hard...if you can admit you're human.


3. A HYMN lives and feeds solely on the BS game: Blame and shame.
You did this! It's your fault! I've never done anything wrong! I am an amazing person at everything!" A true HYMN can drop more F-bombs in one text string than an entire Lewis CK episode.

You might find yourself with purely logical questions like: "Does invasion of privacy include interrogating a child, searching clothing, trespassing, calling multiple people and threatening their involvement and hiring a person and giving him personal information (could have been a sociopath of vigilante murderer, just saying) then illegally gaining records by lying? I actually understand why and how one might feel so compelled. That's not my issue. However, it would negate one's right to cry "foul-play" about her said privacy. In fact, I would argue that person is a huge proponent of no privacy." To use a favored HYMN term: "You can't have your cake and eat it too."

What you CAN do: Read number one. Walk away. Do NOT ENGAGE. (DEAD-END)

4. HYMN communication motto: "Well, I never!" She owns contempt and condescension but never owns any responsibility.

Any single encounter will include at least three eye rolls, a handful of guffaws and then demeaning under breath comments. They will also contain blatant mockery.

What you CAN do: Since you can't open the cartoon trap door in the earth, or get the huge hammer to whack a mole her into a pancake and play a laugh-track with a slow clap. You just do NOT engage.

5. Martyrdom mind tricks- If she can't control, blame, spin or spurn you...a HYMN will cry victim. Usually to anyone in sight, unsolicited with....sarcasm. I don't even need to explain this. We all know someone who puts on the badass woman- face and then sinks into "Poor me-Patty" quicker than a schizophrenic can transition personalities.

What you CAN do: Remember that you are not the owner of her happiness, her feelings or her life. Per sign one: you must accept that you will never (nor should you) be forgiven by her if you played any part in her narrative. You DO, however, have every right to a call statute on limitations of how much and how long her insatiable need for punishing or victim calling is acceptable.

Every victim needs a villain. Chose to be a survivor, a champion of your own soul and realize that everyone makes mistakes, does stupid things and if they are remotely decent, they will stand up in the fire and take accountability. More importantly, if they love and respect themselves enough, they will surrender to the fact that not all women's capacity for rational compassionate self-aware living are the same. And that's ok. It allows you a little permission to lose your own shit once in awhile when a HYMN throws down.

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