It's a rare populace who can witness the end of an empire, and be in a position directly afterward to hash out what happened. Usually everyone's left to wander the old, destroyed grounds where giants once walked, too distracted by their devastating nostalgia to think about typing up a recap, or even transmitting one by smoke signal. And yet, "Gallery Girls" bid its adieu last night and here we all are, not raptured off the planet, probably in the same place we were yesterday at this time and will be again tomorrow, as if nothing has changed, ready to talk. This is but one of many small "Gallery Girls" miracles.
Speaking personally, two major eras ended for me last night: "Gallery Girls" (see above), and the total functionality of my DVR player. For some reason, the miniature people working hard inside my DVR took a break last night, and stopped recording right before (what I've now pieced together to be) the scene where Angela betrays Claudia by running to Chantal. The screen paused on a shot of an apartment building and the words "Angela's Apartment: Williamsburg" and then hiccuped, and suddenly Chantal appeared with black tears smeared on her cheeks and a truly scary vengeful glint in her eyes. In the foreground was Angela's hair. I rewound to figure out what transpired to make this scene take place, and then the hiccup happened again, and now I was even farther into things I couldn't understand, this time involving Amy. At this point, I admitted defeat and just kept watching, thankful that my TV still worked. Now that I can't jinx anything though, I'm feeling less generous. If my recap misses essentials and ceases to make sense, address vicious comments to my DVR please.
And here we go!
Our final hour unfolded on the cheery tableau of Maggie getting back at Liz by making friends with Amy. Why? What happened was, Liz was always down on Amy's drinking, and then suddenly last episode she was down on Maggie and her boyfriend Ryan's drinking! This could not stand. As anyone who's been to summer camp knows, everyone likes a gossip/judgy person until said person turns on them. Then all the victims, new and old, have to band together. Thus, Maggie made "friends," and Amy loooooved it of course and suggested they move in together and Maggie didn't say anything and then the scene ended.
PREDICTION: THEY WILL NOT MOVE IN TOGETHER.
Chantal finally got back from Paris, where she suffered from an infected lung long enough to pick up some really glam fur! She sauntered into End of Century and laughed about the second termination notice that Claudia and the invisible other investor were frowning about. "I don't know why I'm laughing, it's not funny," Chantal said, knowing perfectly well why she was laughing. We all know, don't we? Let's just say it: Chantal won this reality TV show. She understood better than anyone that the best way to handle six months of a televised fake set of challenges is quite simply not to do them. Go to Paris, make no money but miraculously wear all the clothes Bravo wants you to wear because it makes for great aspirational TV, and just, you know, leave the other girls to be typecast as "the ones who care."
The girls each offered ideas about how to breathe life into their dying gallery, upon which Chantal pronounced: "I'm thinking of moving to Paris, honestly."
PREDICTION: CHANTAL WILL MOVE TO PARIS WHERE SHE WILL LIVE OUT THE REST OF HER DAYS WEARING A LORGNETTE. END OF CENTURY WILL EXIST LONG ENOUGH TO HOST A WEIRDLY ABUSIVE VIEWING PARTY FOR THE PRESS.
In Maggie's world, Frank Bernarducci called from his gallery, Bernarducci Meisel, to say he's "warming up to the idea of possibly hiring you." Danger, Maggie! Warning sign! This is a setup for a perfect story arc in which you do NOT get the job. Still, she smiled, chirped, and cuddled later with Ryan, seemingly oblivious to story science.
The only redeeming takeaway of the scene was Maggie's iPhone screen, on prominent display as a result of Maggie's habit of talking on speaker. Like any normal person's, this screen is shattered beyond repair. This was probably the first time in the history of television that a product got honestly advertised.
PREDICTION: MAGGIE WILL LEVERAGE HER POST-BRAVO WEALTH/EXTREME FAME TO BUY A MAGICAL, UNBREAKABLE IPHONE.
Here is when Claudia sat down with Angela to very unwisely dish about Chantal. Angela proved her unworthiness as a listener at the very start of the convo, when she called her latest buy, a Givenchy bag, "the most important essential purchase" ever. Still, Claudia ignored the red flag and stupidly offered a bunch of incriminating soundbytes about Chantal to the solipsistic monster sitting across from her. Among her grievances: Chantal is a "pathological liar" who probably didn't even have an infected lung! Also, Claudia hopes End of Century will "burn" when she leaves, like she is some sort of fairy tale witch with a set of curses to hand out! Bad move, Claudia.
PREDICTION: CLAUDIA WILL LEAVE THIS EXPERIENCE WITH NONE OF THE USELESS FRIENDS SHE CAME INTO IT WITH.
Around here is where my DVR decided it was tired of living. What I gathered in the aftermath though, is that Angela immediately ran to Chantal like the obedient troublemaker she is and stirred things up. She told Chantal everything! Chantal cried!
PREDICTION: ANGELA AND CHANTAL CO-STAR ON BRAVO'S LATEST SHOW, "SO-LIP-SISTAS," ABOUT A PAIR OF COLLAGEN INJECTION SPECIALISTS WHO ONLY CARE ABOUT THEMSELVES.
Back in the land of the semi-living, Maggie fails miserably at her trial run at Bernarducci Meisel, but mysteriously thinks she nailed it. You can practically see her pumping her fist as they lock the door forever behind her. Her faults were many: 1) She was unable to successfully make a good cup of machiatto. (What kind of gallery slave is she?) 2) She didn't look deeply into Bernarducci's desk for some business cards he requested, probably due to PTSD from Eli's drawers. Who knows what's in them? 3) She wasn't enthusiastic. You've got to feel bad about that last one. Maggie, as a rule, is not enthusiastic. She has one coy smile that she always wears, even if she's miserable, and that's just the beauty of Maggie. But oh well, gallery didn't care, Maggie's fate is sealed. Oblivious, she quits her unpaid internship at Eli's and sets herself up as the show's ultimate patsy.
PREDICTION: MAGGIE'S NEXT VENTURE WILL BE "MAGGIE'S MACCHIATOS," LAUNCHED OUT OF PURE SPITE.
Coincidentally, Amy applies for the same job at Bernarducci and has a trial run that's an exact inverse of Maggie's. It's a swinging success. Buckets of high-grade Amy enthusiasm lead to a scene where she's posing for her staff picture with props and stuff. Sealed the deal! This line is said, with zero irony: "I've had a few years of gallery experience. One thing I know is how to make a good cup of coffee."
PREDICTION: AMY WILL LOSE HER NEW JOB SOON AFTER ARTIFICIALLY RECEIVING IT. SHE WILL FRAME HER STAFF PHOTO NONETHELESS.
It's the final scenes of our two main storylines: Claudia and Chantal sit at Chantal's picnic/dinner table. Claudia makes some excuses, some of which are half-true. Chantal smiles. She suggests that Claudia might not be cut out for gallery work. It's possible she's holding a hungry python under the table, waiting for the right moment to let it slither toward Claudia. It seems like they're not friends anymore.
Frank Bernarducci calls Maggie in for the most unnecessarily in-person rejection in the history of the world. At the elevators of the gallery, Amy comforts Maggie, her new best friend whose job she took. Amy goes in for a real hug, head cocked, eyes screwed tight, as if Maggie is graduating, getting married, and mourning the loss of a loved one all at once. "I love you," Amy says. It's uncomfortable and goofy and vital, typical Amy. Cut to Angela, also typical, snapping pictures like she's got a deadline for Vogue and London's calling on the other line. If a good story is one where the main characters change, then this was not a good story. We are left to wonder what will happen to our six intractable friends, and also our DVR machine.
PREDICTION: EVERY GALLERY GIRL WILL LIVE A LONG AND PROSPEROUS LIFE FILLED WITH MANY BABIES AND HORSES AND GIVENCHY BAGS. TIME WARNER CABLE WILL SAY THEY ARE SENDING SOMEONE OUT TO FIX MY DVR BUT THE ACTUAL APPOINTMENT WILL BE DELAYED BY SEVERAL NO-SHOWS, AND THEY WILL NEVER CREDIT ME FOR THE PAID BILLS.
Of course, these are mere guesses. We could always use some help. Let us know what you think the future holds in store, for the Gallery Girls, and/or any other entity you care deeply about, in the comments.
If you're already feeling nostalgic, check out our slideshow roundup of tweets below for a reminder of how the nation felt when the GG were first foisted upon us: