Menopause is a fact of life, and how you handle it is all in the attitude. It's known as "the change of life," not the END of life, which means that it isn't all bad. Look at it as an era of new freedom. Yes, you heard me right. There IS an upside to menopause, and I've come up with a list of ten reasons why women should look forward to this challenging, but interesting time in their lives.
1. No More Periods. You can swim with Great Whites and not worry about becoming fish bait. You can also go camping in the mountains without fear of grizzly bears shredding your tent in search of raw meat.
2. Weight Gain. This can be great, especially if the extra weight is distributed in the right places. If it goes to the breasts, you've got a built-in floating device to prevent drowning in a pool. If it gives you a badonkadonk butt, you can sign up as a backup singer for a Beyoncé music video. But if the excess weight settles in your stomach, you're going to have to tell everyone it's an inoperable food tumor that you're forced to carry for the rest of your life.
3. Hot Flashes. Sporting a shiny red face and sweat rings under your arms has its advantages. It fools people into thinking you just had an invigorating session at the gym or in the bedroom. Hot flashes also keep your heating bill down in the winter and help you sweat out those extra calories from the chocolate Nutty Buddy cone you scarfed down in your car at the gas station.
4. Memory Loss. It's sort of like early dementia. It erases all those nasty movie reels from the past that you'd rather forget. Like the night you puked spiked orange juice all over your new birthday outfit. Or the time your husband thought it was a good idea to clear the dance floor at your best friend's wedding reception by doing "The Worm" in his tuxedo.
5. Loss of Libido. You no longer have to feign headaches. Just remind your spouse that your lady parts are as dry as tumbleweeds rolling across Death Valley and he'll leave you alone.
6. Mood Swings. You can be Freddy Krueger one minute or a Care Bear the next, and nobody will accuse you of being bipolar like they did in the car pick-up line at the elementary school when you were a hot mess mama in your thirties.
7. No Longer Fertile. You'll never have to worry about birth control again. The money you save can then be invested in Viagra stock.
8. Insomnia. You get to add an extra four hours to your day since you'll only be sleeping for three. All those annoying items on your to-do list will be finished in no time. But you're going to need some spackle in your makeup box to hide those duffel bags under your eyes.
9. Dry Skin. This is your excuse to go shopping and spend a fortune at the Lancôme counter at the mall. No one wants to look at a face that resembles an elephant's ass or a ten-year-old Shar Pei.
10. Fatigue. Your body shifts into narcoleptic mode every day after lunch. To combat the fatigue, you have an excuse to invest in a gold card membership to Starbucks or convince your boss you have a medical condition that requires a midday nap on the floor under your desk. Be sure to carry a pillow with you at all times.
Once you change your attitude, menopause isn't all that bad. You just have to learn how to roll with the night sweats, bloating, and messy mood swings ... but it wouldn't hurt to have a healthy stock of wine on hand at all times, just in case.
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