THE BLOG
07/03/2013 10:00 am ET Updated Sep 02, 2013

5 Keys to Attracting the Love of Your Life

Are you ready to be in a loving relationship? I'm not talking about a settling-for-less-than-you-want relationship. I'm talking about a vibrant, alive, passionate and harmonious relationship.

If this is what you want, then read on!

We attract people at our common level of woundedness or our common level of emotional health. This means that if you want to attract a healthy, loving partner, you need to become that healthy person first. This does not mean that you need to have attained some imagined level of perfection, but it does mean that the kind of energy you project has everything to do with the kind of person you attract.

There are mainly two kinds of energy:

  • Insecure
  • Secure

Insecure Energy

If you feel insecure, then you are likely to project this in one of two ways:

  • Taker
  • Caretaker

Takers and caretakers seem to find each other. Both are coming from inner neediness due to self-rejection/self-abandonment. Both expect the other person to take away their emptiness and make them feel lovable.

The taker does it by being overtly needy -- demanding, self-centered and narcissistic.

The caretaker does it by giving themselves up to take care of the taker, hoping the taker will then give them the love they are seeking to feel okay about themselves.

These people create a codependent relationship, where they either stay together but lack aliveness and passion, or their relationship ends in divorce.

Secure Energy

People who have learned to take responsibility for their happiness and well being are people who have learned to fill themselves with love, which they then enjoy sharing with others. Rather than trying to get love by being a taker or a caretaker, they love themselves and then share their love with others. These people have a sense of intrinsic self-worth, which means they are not needy of others' approval and attention to feel good about themselves.

An emotionally healthy person is not going to be attracted to an insecure, needy person. Healthy, loving people attract other healthy, loving people and create loving, healthy relationships. What needs to happen for you to become healthy enough to attract the love of your life?

5 Keys to Attracting the Love of Your Life

1. Learn to accept, value and love yourself and define your own worth, rather than waiting for someone else to love you and give you a sense of worth.

This means that you need to learn to see yourself through the eyes of a higher source of truth -- your higher self -- rather than through the eyes of your ego-wounded self. The wounded self has been programmed to believe that we are not good enough, and that we can feel okay only through others' love and approval. This is what creates neediness. When you learn to see your beautiful essence through the eyes of love, you can learn to truly value yourself. When you value yourself, you will start to treat yourself lovingly, which fills you with love and gives you a deep sense of inner worth. You then have love to share with a partner. You become a person able to share love rather than someone always trying to get love.

2. Learn to connect with your inner resource of love, wisdom and strength.

This is the resource you need to be able to turn to, to regulate and manage your own feeling so that you don't make your partner responsible for your pain or joy.

This resource can be whatever works for you: your understanding of God, your connection with a spiritual source within and/or without, your connection with your own higher soul, or whatever else works for you beyond your ego mind.

3. Heal your fear of rejection by learning to not take rejection personally and by learning how to lovingly manage your painful feelings.

When you define your own worth, then you can easily learn to stop taking others' unloving behavior personally. You can learn to compassionately embrace and learn from your pain rather than avoiding it with addictive behaviors. When you can lovingly manage the heartache of rejection, then you no longer need to avoid with various controlling behaviors -- such as giving yourself up, getting angry, blaming, and so on.

4. Heal your fear of engulfment by developing a strong loving adult self, who can say no rather than giving yourself up to control not being rejected.

The fear of being controlled by another person gradually heals when you become willing to risk losing the other person rather than lose yourself. When you learn to love and value yourself, then you become strong enough to no longer lose yourself within a relationship.

5. Learn to be happy BEFORE you are in a relationship, rather than looking for a relationship to make you happy.

When you are willing to take loving action in your own behalf to bring yourself joy, then you are no longer dependent upon another to do this for you. Your happiness attracts others who are also making themselves happy, and opens the door to a happy, loving relationship.

You CAN attract the love of your life by learning how to love yourself!

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a relationship expert, best-selling author, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® self-healing process, recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette, and featured on Oprah. To begin learning how to love and connect with yourself so that you can connect with others, take advantage of our free Inner Bonding eCourse, receive Free Help, and take our 12-Week eCourse, "The Intimate Relationship Toolbox" - the first two weeks are free! Discover SelfQuest®, a transformational self-healing/conflict resolution computer program. Phone or Skype sessions with Dr. Margaret Paul.

Connect with Margaret on Facebook: Inner Bonding, and Facebook: SelfQuest.

For more by Margaret Paul, Ph.D., click here.

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