01/14/2014 01:53 pm ET Updated Mar 16, 2014

I Wish I Lived Inside My Facebook Page

My Facebook page is a wonderful place. I am always successful, I am always happy and I always have something funny to say at just the right moment. My Facebook page is so much better than my real life that sometimes I wish I lived inside my Facebook page. Just taking a sneak peak onto my page, without really getting into the things I like or that make me tick, my life according to my Facebook page is wonderful. My pictures are flawless -- so photo shopped (thank God that app is available on my smartphone) that there isn't a sign of age or a pimple or beauty spot -- my skin is seemingly, effortlessly free of acne or age lines. When my shirt is off in pictures, it's only when I am in tip-top shape so naturally, no one knows that I gained about ten pounds over the holidays therefore, I am always in my best shape. When I want people to know where I am, like at a Broadway show or exotic locale, I check in on Facebook but never let them know when I am doing menial things like grocery shopping or renewing my driver's license because that doesn't uphold the ever glamorous image I'm perpetually trying to convey. I'm always hanging out with fabulous people so in my pictures, it looks like I am always on top of my game. On Facebook, I am magnificent! I have a wonderful profession, great friends, great skin and witty commentary on just about everything going on in the world. Nothing bad ever happens and if it does, it goes absolutely nowhere near my Facebook page, because Facebook isn't a place for bad news.

Not only am I amazing on Facebook, so is just about everyone I've ever encountered in my life. Friends from high school, acquaintances I've met a handful of times, my closest friends and dearest family members or people I haven't even met in real life but I am close to via social media, are all leading exemplary lives on Facebook. I am delighted to see their self-taken pictures on an up-to-the-minute basis (mainly because I love knowing what people look like when they wake up in the morning, when they go to bed at night and when they take a shit midday.) Sometimes, mainly while I am sleeping, I forget how fabulous my friend's faces look so it's nice to have a gentle reminder several times a day on how they are looking or a visual aid letting me know what they're up to -- even if it's sleep. Not only do they look good all the time, they are always going to the best bars and restaurants with the most fabulous people in town. It's a wonder to me how they can manage to spend so much time on social media and still hold down a job to afford these wonderful places -- but it's Facebook so there is no need to get into details. I'm just happy to know that they are constantly looking flawless while hanging out with awesome people. And I never need to know what the weather is because my Facebook friends always have interesting commentary on how cold, hot or rainy it is outside today, God love them.

My friends also share amazing stories. We have all changed our minds on our impression of lists. When we were younger, we hated them (to-do lists, grocery lists, etc.) now, not only are we constantly listing our accomplishments for the world to see, but love to read lists that other people have written. Fun lists that let us know things like "25 Reasons You Know If You're An Introvert" (you don't like to share your feelings -- who knew?) or "The 25 Whitest Things That Have Ever Happened" (we can't play basketball -- how hilarious!) Essentially, these lists teach us nothing and are basically pictures stolen from the internet that someone wrote words above like "THIS!" or "THIS..." or "THESE PEOPLE!" but they are so darn entertaining, that I can't help but waste about four hours of my day reading them because I can put little-to-no-effort into retaining them. Articles that consist of pictures with words are fun, mainly because reading is a terribly hard task that none of us have time for anymore. The news articles we share are also fascinating, mainly because it's never something that's actually newsworthy, instead it's mainly stories that warm out hearts (a ninety-year old man saves a baby from a well) or stories that enrage us for no reason whatsoever (another celebrity has done something moronic and we care so much what they have to say because, well, they're famous!) Useful information being passed along Facebook is rare and I'm OK with that because I don't need any really disturbing news in my happy little world.

There are so many reasons why I wish I lived on my Facebook page another being; Facebook knows exactly what I like. As if I weren't slowly morphing into my grandparents already (the virtual cutting out of articles and sharing of cute pictures with my friends) now Facebook is kind enough to offer me coupons for the things I like -- and I can get deals on just about anything I like because Facebook is a genius and knows exactly what I want, when I want it and where I can get it.

My Facebook page is so wonderful. Each one of us is a star, doing amazing things with the greatest of ease -- always looking fabulous, always having something clever to say and always sharing amazing stories. It's just a shame that I can't live inside my Facebook page. Because, although my Facebook page is there to showcase who I am as a person none of it, is in fact, real.