03/18/2010 05:12 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

A Look Inside Santa Claus University

How would you like to be paid for making people feel really good as they sit on your lap? No, it's not that; get your mind out of the gutter. I'm talking about being a seasonal Santa Claus.


Obviously a bit too late for this season, but if the economy keeps tanking at this rate, perhaps an option for next Christmas. So, imagine my excitement when I saw an ad for Santa Claus University.


Certain phrases in the ad tipped me off that this was not a school that put on airs. Phrases such as, "Ex-felons welcome," "Voluptuous women admitted free always," and "our modern, nearly-accredited Yugoslavian campus." Photos of previous graduates included Gary Coleman, Pauley Shore, Carlos the Jackyl, and Tiny Tim. And the ad itself was in the back pages of "Soldier Of" Fortune Magazine.


It seems that only a loser, a miserable failure with absolutely nothing going on in his life, would even consider sending away for their correspondence course. The day my mailman handed me the box clearly marked Santa Claus University, he looked at me with the envy of a man who realized that I, and not he, was the one who, before long, would no doubt be receiving the full minimum wage for trying to disguise my cheap wine-scented breath while lying big-time to snot-nosed children squirming on my lap. In fact, I took it as a sign that even the mailman reminded me of Santa Claus.


Here is just a taste of the Santa Claus University curriculum:

Bells. Silver bells, sleigh bells, jingle bells -- what are the differences? What are the similarities? Are they supposed to get on your nerves this way? If you're out of bells, can buzzers be substituted? How about saxaphones or Chinese gongs? Whoopie cushions? Tarzan yells?

Proper Santa Claus Wardrobe. Correct: Fur-trimmed, red velour outfit with black boots and black belt. Incorrect: Culottes, thong underwear, fishnet t-shirt, Elvis jumpsuit, anything tie-dyed, O.J. Simpson mask, anything Paris Hilton would wear.


Mistletoe. Charming holiday tradition -- or invitation to a lawsuit against Santa, who was only trying to spread a little holiday cheer, but what with all the noise in the store, couldn't really hear little Billy's mom saying, "Get that filthy hand off my rear, fatboy!"

Dealing With Difficult Situations. How to instantly sedate and/or disable the child who yells, "He's a fake!" What to say when a child asks, "I'm Jewish -- will you still come to my house?" How to use and safely exit a restroom when it is being occupied by a street gang making disparaging remarks about your sexuality.

Things Santa Should Never Say. Learn to avoid such Kris Kringle no-no's as:
  • "Hey, Timmy, those are some set of cantaloupes on your sister!"
  • "Could Santa have another taste of your cough syrup?"
  • "Give Santa five bucks and he'll stop squeezing your neck."

Santa Claus World Records. Learn which department store holds the all-time record for their Santas showing up sober. Which city's children have bitten Santa most. Which parents have called Santa, "A pathetic, greasy slob who should consider himself lucky I'm not filing harassment charges!"


Special Problems & Challenges of the Female Santa. What to do when one of your elves gooses you. How to make menopause fit in to the Santa lifestyle. How to deepen your voice by listening to Barry White albums.

Learn The Types Of People Who've Outgrown Santa. Anyone in the Witness Protection Program. Any officers of the Lyle Menendez Fan Club. Anyone who uses the phrase, "Boy, that Hitler sure got a raw deal." Anyone named Buttafuoco or Madoff.

Know Your Reindeer Names. Correct: Dasher, Dancer, Donner, Blitzen, Prancer. Incorrect: Heraclitus, Guiseppe, Heinrich, Velveeta, Boris, Yitzchak, Slappy.


How To Refer To Mrs. Claus. Correct: Mrs. Claus, my lovely wife, my devoted wife, the woman I love, my dear betrothed, my sweetheart. Incorrect: My main squeeze, the old ball & chain, slave driver, battle-ax, babbling beast, good ol' jiggling Judy.


Dealing With Post-Holiday Depression. It's April -- you can take the Santa suit off now. If you're pulling your priest onto your lap, you need help. Saying "Ho, ho, ho, and how old are you little girl?" in bed, is not a turn-on to most women.

Santa As Stepping-Stone To Other Careers. Read actual case histories of Santas who've gone on to lucrative, fulfilling careers as Easter Bunnies, Cupids, Jack O'Lanterns, TV game show hosts, and Congressmen. Preparing your Santa resume. Santa for President- far-fetched or an idea whose time has come?


Adapting Santa To Other Nations and Galaxies. How a flashy Benihana routine can enliven your Japanese Santa. For French Santas -- practice being rude to American Santas. Illegal alien Santas -- finally, a good excuse for crossing the border late at night. Even space alien Santas.


When Not To Wear Your Santa Costume. To your parole hearing. While strolling through Iraq at 2 a.m. While running a marathon. To your prom. On non-Santa job interviews. While robbing a convenience store. While accepting the Nobel Prize. While addressing a war crimes tribunal.

History of Santa Claus. How Santa originated as an attempt to disguise a man from his alimony-seeking ex-wife. Early attempts to wear the costume without getting beaten up. Agonizing months spent dieting before realizing that for Santa, fat is where it's at.

Facts That Only Santa Would Know (To Prove You're Really Santa). Exact number of sleigh-airplane near-misses. How Santa's elf became his favorite, despite the vice squad's objections. Who's been naughty, who's been nice, and the phone numbers of the 18-28 year old women who've been naughty.


How To Tell When You're Too Old To Keep Being Santa. When Santa asks little Mikey to run over to the pharmacy department and bring Santa back a box of Depends. When Santa has outlived five teams of reindeer and 75 elves. When more than four adults and six children are needed to help Santa climb up onto his chair.

What To Put In The Christmas Stockings. Acceptable: Candy, toys, books, clothing, CDs, food. Unacceptable: Edible massage gel, Sidney Sheldon novels, bongs from the Tommy Chong Collection, specimens from Santa's insect collection, the Howard Stern Butt Bongo Fiesta video, matzoh balls.

Things Santa Should Never Share With Children. His bottle of Ripple. The story of the time he and a couple of his frat buddies went down to Tijuana, got blitzed, and spent the entire weekend with the twins Luisa and Carmella. His tattoo of the devil surfing on his parents. A detailed description of his last prostate exam.