06/16/2010 05:12 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Male-to-Female Dating Dictionary


Much of the reason dates often turn out so disastrously, especially first dates, is, in a word, communication. Yes, communication - or, as we men refer to it, Kryptonite.

Communication is men's Kryptonite

I'll admit it - men stink at it. We either can't or won't communicate. And when we do, we invariably do it poorly.
Reasons? Take your pick:

• Men are raised to be stoic and not reveal our true feelings and emotions.


• We fear that being honest and open will be perceived as a sign of weakness.


• In school, they never taught us how to communicate with another human being.


• Our primary communicating experience is talking and/or bragging to other guys about sports and women.


• Space aliens have zapped that portion of our brain required for being real.


So, because we're so lousy at relating to females, we invariably torpedo a relationship before it even has a fighting chance. Sad, isn't it? And all we have to make up for it and console ourselves is big cars, Haagen-Dazs, serial dating, starting wars in Third World nations, and impressing women in the gym.


Yes, it's a pathetic, tragic, empty life, simply because we lack the skills of being open, honest, and vulnerable with, for want of a better word, women.

But, as you know, another outstanding feature of men, besides our inability to communicate, is our urge to - and feeling that we can and must - fix everything.


Therefore, I decided to take a portion of all the free time I have as a result of not using it to communicate openly and honestly with females - and put it to work coming up with a fix for this pesky communications problem. And lo and behold, I've found it! And it's beautiful in its simplicity, if I do say so myself.


I call it, simply, the "Male-to-Female Dating Dictionary." This is a book of words and phrases uttered by dating males, translated into language clearly understandable to dating females. What a guy says - translated into what a guy means. I'll pause briefly here while a choir of dating angels sing hosannas to my public service accomplishment.


Okay, that's enough.
This is a book, obviously, that every dating woman needs, for it will instantly translate Martian men's conversation into Venutian women-speak. For example:

MAN SAYS: "Oh, um, sure, I like to dance."
MAN MEANS: "I once gave myself a hernia in a swing dance class, and now, on my list of things I enjoy, "dancing" comes right after "cleaning up after a large dog with severe digestive problems."


MAN SAYS: "What I really want is a long-term, serious relationship with someone."
MAN MEANS: "And you could be that person if you consider long-term to be three months, and serious to include vodka, a wardrobe from Victoria's Secret, and, of course, wrist restraints."


MAN SAYS: "I have a great relationship with my dad."
MAN MEANS: "Our monthly phone conversation consists of each of us asking the other how things are going, me saying 'Pretty good, how 'bout yourself?' and him saying, 'Not bad... well, talk to you soon. Here's your mother.'"


MAN SAYS: "My last girlfriend and I just grew apart."
MAN MEANS: "You would not believe the bitchy attitude she gave me every time I had to borrow rent money from her!"


MAN SAYS: "I'm feeling some good chemistry here between us."
MAN MEANS: "The sight of your cleavage is giving me thoughts of activities that I'm fairly certain are illegal in at least twelve states."


All right, I'm not so delusional as to think that my dating dictionary is going to completely resolve the big issue of male-female dating communication. But it's a start. And if my little contribution brings just one couple together into a relationship of honest and open communication, genuine friendship, and erotic passion, then it will have all been worth it. All I ask is that they send me a thank-you -- and a photo of them, especially if it happens to feature Victoria's Secret outfits and wrist restraints. Strictly for research purposes, I swear. Hey, come on, I'm a guy.