07/16/2014 01:29 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Why Sharon Stone Should Consider Dating Me

My next date? (Photo: Getty Images)

There were many notable events in the news this past week. Thousands fled Gaza as Israel ramped up its offensive. Diplomats spoke about extending the U.S.-Iran nuclear talks deadline. It was reported that over 50,000 unaccompanied children have been apprehended in the U.S. this year, the vast majority from Central America. Oh, yes, and actress Sharon Stone revealed publicly that she's ready to start dating again.

Okay, so perhaps Stone's announcement didn't carry quite the same weight as the other news stories, but it did for me. You see, after the demise of my romantic relationship, I also recently began dating again. Granted, I didn't announce it to the press. Not that they'd care if I did. I'm no celebrity; I'm a humble writer nowhere near Stone's level of accomplishment. But I got to thinking. What would it be like to date Sharon Stone? Would she even consider dating someone like me, no doubt a "civilian" in her eyes, or does she only date celebrities? And if we did date, how would that change both our lives, and could the relationship even last beyond her initial infatuation with me? (Okay, I'm an optimist.)

In order to explore these questions and determine whether a) there is any chance at all I could end up on a date with Ms. Stone, or b) as my so-called friends suspect, I am merely delusional, I decided to do some deep, professional, heavy-duty research. That's right, I wasted no time visiting Sharon Stone's Wikipedia page. As a result, I now know much more about her than I did before and, SPOILER ALERT, I am now convinced that the next time you hear from me, It will be to describe either a) my date with Sharon Stone, b) my ongoing relationship with Sharon Stone, or c) as my so-called friends predict, my restraining order from Sharon Stone.

I first took a look at the kinds of men Stone has dated and/or married over the years:

• Michael Greenburg - TV producer
• Bill MacDonald - Film producer
• Phil Bronstein - Executive Editor of the San Francisco Chronicle
• George Englund - TV Producer
• Martin Mica - Argentine model

Stone clearly likes accomplished men involved with show business and journalism, with the occasional boy-toy model. Clearly, my years of stand-up comedy, sit-com staff writing, humor essays for newspapers, magazines and websites, and regularly posing in front of my mirror after my shower -- puts me in the running.

Stone's men are generally at a high level of achievement with the income to match. But those relationships obviously have not lasted. One reason? Stone doesn't need their money. With her background as a successful fashion model, Academy Award nominee, Emmy Award winner, and non-stop movie and TV acting background, she is financially secure. Perhaps it's time, then, for Stone to start thinking outside the romantic-financial box and look to someone who has other, perhaps more meaningful relationship attributes. Let's just say, for the sake of argument -- me. Poor in pocket, rich in personality.

If you'll excuse me for a moment, I'd like to address Stone personally now.

Sharon? (May I call you Sharon?). While I realize I'm not your typical producer/editor/model type, I feel I can bring other things to the table and make you happy. Perhaps happier than you've ever been or dreamed you could be. (See "optimist," above.) Contact me and I'll be willing to share my online dating profile with you. We can then start with a coffee date to see if there's chemistry. Should we hit it off, I'd be open to you moving in to my place. It's a one-bedroom apartment, so that should be really cozy, which is great for romance. I've already made room in one of my closets for your outfits.

I can't wait to introduce you to my friends, but not to worry -- I've told them no autographs! And I want to take you to all my favorite restaurants -- my treat. I use the coupons from the Entertainment Coupon Book and so we'll get some really good deals.

Finally, Sharon, shall we look at one of the longest-lasting romantic relationships in Hollywood? Alan and Arlene Alda married in 1957 and are still happily together. I looked Arlene up on Wikipedia, too, Sharon, and guess what? She's a writer and a non-celebrity! Just like I am! Could that be a sign that we were meant to be together? I'll leave that for you and to fate to decide.

For now, I'm just tossing my hat into the ring and offering you an opportunity for romantic fulfillment. The ball's in your court, Sharon. I will fully respect whatever decision you make. Just please keep in mind -- we could be the new Alan and Arlene Alda. Which may not land us on the lead story of "Extra" or "Entertainment Tonight," but could well put a smile on our face and a song in our heart. And can you really put a price on that?