Great news, everybody, we can stop freaking out about Google's disastrous earnings release today, because Donald Trump has the solution. As usual.
"You're fired," Trump suggested Google tell R.R. Donnelley, the company that prematurely filed Google's incomplete quarterly earnings report with the Securities and Exchange Commission. The filing debacle, along with the fact that Google's revenue and earnings were freaking horrible, caused the stock to collapse 8 percent today.
Maria Bartiromo, the Edward R. Murrow of our time, had invited Trump onto her daily comedy-variety hour on CNBC to get his highly qualified take on the Google debacle, because JOURNALISM, duh.
He prefaced his remarks by praising Google as much as he possibly could.
"I look at Google Maps all the time," he gushed. His daughter, Ivanka, is friends with "some of the top people" at Google, who are "amazing" people, he revealed.
"It's a glitch, no question about it," he finally summed up.
Even Bartiromo realized there wasn't much news value in this analysis, so she pressed him for the big payoff.
"Say you're Google and R.R. Donnelley messes up," she urged him, "What would would you say to R.R. Donnelley?" HINT HINT HINT.
Some ember of self-regard still burning in the charred wasteland of Trump's shame vortex stirred a little, as if caressed by a light breeze. He tried to sound analytical in his answer, talking about how Google can't afford this liability, et cetera et cetera. But then he finally broke down and said it, the thing he knew full well that Bartiromo was begging him to say all along, the thing that all of his fans demanded.
"Perhaps you say," he said, winding up like the showman that he is, "'You're fired!'"
Bartiromo laughed and laughed and laughed, because, again, JOURNALISM.
"That's what I was waiting for, Donald!" she said between the tears.
She then tried to bait Trump into saying something horrible about President Obama, asking him what this crazy mess with Google says about Wall Street and the economy in general. Trump admitted, more in sadness than in anger, that "there are a lot of bad things happening out there."
"Our leadership in Washington is one of the bad things that is happening," Trump added.
He did have nice things to say, however, about Obama's reference to him in Obama's first debate with Mitt Romney, saying, "I was greatly honored -- it was said with respect." He also said that Obama did "much better" in his second debate, though he thought Romney won that debate, too.
And then the segment was over, sadly. The tens of people watching CNBC for Donald Trump's keen insight into politics, the stock market, nanotechnology and other subjects, will just have to wait until the next time Bartiromo invites him on her show to find out more. Probably tomorrow.
Watch the segment below: