03/18/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Behold! Canada's Most Disgusting Export

Are you having one of those days? One of those moments where you feel like you've endured a simply relentless onslaught of negative news and economic hardship coupled to endless rounds of cretinous politicians -- all of whom enjoy fully paid health care on your tab -- debating whether or not you'll be able to afford to see a doctor ever again, all to the point where you say, you know what? I need just one more.

Just one more really good, depressing story to put me over the top, ruin not just my day but maybe taint my entire month, a tale so vicious and disheartening I immediately start yelling at my girlfriend for no real reason and slam the cupboard because I realized I'm out of peanut butter, and I absolutely refuse to smile at anyone because they're all clearly complicit in making this world a bleak and miserable hellpit of oh my God you suck.

Why, sweetheart, step on over here for a moment. I have just what you need. You need to read a bit more about Alberta's infamous oilsands.

Have you heard? Have you taken even a cursory peek lately into the oversized eco nightmare that is Canada's monstrous, pollutive, disgusting hellholes of rapacious greed and pollution and destruction and sheer capitalistic joy? I bet you have.

They are, you might say, the finest example we currently have of a massive, soulless industry and a major first-world government shoving a giant middle finger in the face of all notions of progress and environmental integrity. They're not the only ones, to be sure -- the coal industry's middle finger is downright callused from flipping everyone off so aggressively -- but for sheer gall, for shamelessly stomping a greasy black boot heel into the face of environmental progress right now, the oilsands simply can't be beat....

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