03/18/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Fear and Homophobia: Not Dead Yet! Thanks, Maine!

Did you hear the good news? Did you see the tiny, sad headlines as they crept across the Interwebs a couple days ago, as reliable as teen pregnancy in Kansas, as certain as bestiality in South Carolina?

Fear and homophobia, sadness and confusion have come 'round once more, chalked up yet another little victory, this time in the twee state of Maine, where the trees are exceedingly lovely this time of year, the seafood is world-famous and the people are generally warm and nondescript, entirely devoid of major news-making ability, except when the old, scared homophobes among them step out and vote. And then it's boom, hello, world! For about a second.

In sum, Maine voted against allowing two people who love each other very dearly to get married, thus delaying what everyone acknowledges is pretty much a foregone conclusion for a few more years, or at least until most of the bewildered homophobes of the older generations die off, Generation Facebook takes over and we all look back from the globally warmed perspective of 2020 and realize, holy sweet hell, how pathetic was all that gay marriage idiocy way back when?

And then we shall light up some legal medical marijuana -- which, ironically, Maine just approved for dispensin', becoming the fifth state in the union to do so -- and chillax.

Meanwhile, there was a glimmer of good news up in the state of Washington, where they voted in favor of gay marriage, sort of, only they didn't actually call it marriage because That Would Be Wrong, given how we all know "marriage" is a registered trademark of the Bible and cannot be modified, adjusted, or allowed to evolve in the slightest, so sayeth the very dead, angry white men who wrote that epic hunk of fan fiction thousands of years ago in a long-dead language, a book that has been mangled, misinterpreted, revised, politically gutted, re-edited and weaponized more than almost any other tome in world history ...

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