America! For the love of God and guns, sex and sunlight, iPhones and puppies and all that you hold dear, please please please do not eat this new and completely repulsive food-like item you see before you. Can't you see it's made of chemicals and fat and dead, lost dreams?
Can you not tell at a moment's glance that consumption of this ghastly item will make you fat and sick and walk around all day feeling like you have glue in your blood and thick, gummy cobwebs all over your bones and you can't get them off?
Of course you know. Of course you understand how the malevolent fast food company that invented this slimy disc of horror pretty much openly despises you, does not care one single iota for your well being, health, happiness, or imminent brain aneurysm, but only wishes to suck dollars from your very soul. You know if you eat stuff like this you will spend your days bitter, hostile and depressed, but you won't know exactly why.
Nevertheless, I cannot help it. A warning must be sounded. A fist of protest must be raised. For lo, the headline did scream, "Taco Bell jumps into breakfast market," and then up popped the frightful photo you see before you, this hideous slab of yellow and brown depravity looking very much like a barnacle scraped off the bottom of a truck, to which anyone with a functioning anima will naturally recoil in abject and understandable dread.
"What the hell is that thing?" said the photo editor for this very site, when I asked him to ready the photo for inclusion in this column. "Exactly," I replied, as we both wondered who the hell would willingly put such a hellish Monsanto sewage byproduct into his or her body, who would really think it a wise or even momentarily tasty option, and also what wretched, lost Taco Bell food engineer invented such a terrible thing and how he manages to face his wife and children at night.
Perhaps you are saying at this point, "Oh my God, Mark, chill out, of course I wouldn't eat such garbage. What am I, in the Midwest? What am I, a millennial teen with a spasming colon and zero understanding of what actually constitutes real food? What am I, completely ignorant of such matters?
"Really, who in their right mind doesn't know by now that there is not a single thing Taco Bell (or any other Yum! Brands offshoot -- Pizza Hut, KFC) creates in its dank chemical labs that is the slightest bit positive or uplifting to humanity? Is it really necessary to wail and stomp and point out the obvious?"
Perhaps you are also saying, "Who really cares? Why get all perturbed and excitable about what other people eat? Is it not the height of arrogance and condescension to suggest you know better? Could your columnal time not be better spent going after, say, Apple, or Obama, or maybe a thoughtful screed about the SOPA blackout and the future of Net protocols in mainstream economic bifurcations affecting needful stimuli of egalitarian legalities?" To which I reply, "Wait, what? Do I have to?"
Yes, I know you already know. Of course if you are reading this column you are already a member of the choir, you look at Taco Bell's greasy wheel of hate and part of you gags while another says "OMG what the hell is that orange stuff? Is that supposed to be cheese? Why am I thinking 'rotting snail'"?
Perhaps you have a point. Perhaps I should refer you to this fantastic piece of hate mail last I received last week in response to my happy lambasting of Paula Deen, the kind of semi-coherent ALL CAPS hunk of spittle I rarely get anymore, thanks to the disastrous advent of anonymous commenting.
Would you like to read it? Alas, I'm afraid it is of a tone and language that cannot be reprinted here. Which is why God invented Facebook notes. Here's the link. Go ahead, I'll wait.
Rather not? I understand. Here's the gist: ...
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Mark Morford is the author of The Daring Spectacle: Adventures in Deviant Journalism, a mega-collection of his finest columns for the San Francisco Chronicle and SFGate. He recently wondered who in your life you find perfectly toxic, cheered that the gay agenda will see you now, and is fairly certain Jesus took magic mushrooms. Join him on Facebook, or email him. Not to mention...