12/01/2011 03:21 pm ET Updated Jan 31, 2012

Mitt Romney Flip-flops Again and Is Handed His Lunch

"Mitt, it's nearly 11:30 and I need to start making your lunch."

"Thanks, my dearest, but I think I'll have lunch at noon."

"But you always have lunch at 11:30."

"Well, honey, a man can learn and change. For example, before Ronald Reagan was elected president he took his afternoon nap between 2 and 4, but once he was in office he napped between 1:30 and 5. Newt Gingrich is another example. Over the last thirty years he's cheated on two wives and married a third. And even though he loved all of them passionately, nine months ago he realized that it was the country, not the wives and girlfriends, he loved passionately. The man learned and changed."

"I understand, honey. I'll bring you lunch at noon."

"And make that a peanut butter and jelly on Wonderbread, sweetie."

"But you're allergic to peanuts, Mitt, and you've eaten a club sandwich on a baguette every day since you became Governor."

"Well, honey, a man can learn and change. As it happens, today I read that the boiled peanut is the official snack food of South Carolina and I just started to salivate."

"Like in Florida at the Orange Festival and New Hampshire at the Pumpkin Festival?"

"You know me so well, Ann."

"All right, darling. I'll bring you your sandwich at noon."

"You are my rock and my salvation, Ann, but I don't want you to go to the trouble of bringing in my sandwich."

"It's no trouble, dear. I've been bringing you your sandwich since we got married. "

"Well I learned in business that sometimes it's good to shake things up a bit; to think outside the box. So how about we have Billy Graham bring in my sandwich and a priest who doesn't like boys bring me a cup of coffee."

"Now Mitty you know that coffee is a no-no."

"Yes, my darling, for us and 5,779,316 other voting adults who comprise 1.7 percent of the U.S. population. But I've learned that Joseph Smith found a gold Mr. Coffee machine in his temple garment, and not only that, President Kennedy drank coffee."

"But he was Catholic, Mitt."

"Exactly the point, my treasure."

"I'm not sure I follow, dear, but let's move on to what you'd like for dessert."

"Well I'd love some of those baby gooseberries that you're growing in the hothouse."

"Mitt, don't you remember telling me last week to get rid of the baby gooseberries because you thought they were going to turn out misshapen and ugly?"

"I never said that, dear heart. I said that we should let the baby gooseberries mature, however they might turn out."

"No, I distinctly remember that you came out to the hothouse, took a look at the baby gooseberry bush, which was only about half grown, then told me to pull it out, burn it, and never mention it to anyone."

"Well my little durian, a man learns and changes. Yesterday it dawned on me that baby gooseberries are just like tens of millions of little people in America, and that we should treat them with the same love and respect."

"But we eat the baby gooseberries, Mitt, and sometimes we forget they've fallen off the tree and we step on them."

"And your point, my Venus?"