01/11/2013 01:47 pm ET Updated Mar 13, 2013

The 'Duh' in Dating

Ever notice how your friends have some of your very same issues? Or, perhaps, coincidentally (uh- huh), their issues just may be more obvious than yours? Otherwise, would you really relate to and keep those particular friends around? Take a look. Sure, every once in awhile, we'll bring home a more successful, skinnier (!), happier friend, but how long can we take it/them? How long can we live feeling the gap between them and us? How long before we figure out a way to blame them as to why they are no longer fun to be with?!

Gasp. I know. Not you.

Dating isn't hugely different. Let's take me for example. What kind of man do you think I was "attracted to," coveted and/or dated if one of my all time favorite hardcore truths about life and me was that people didn't appreciate me? Do you think I was attracted to and dated men who dug me? Do you think the men who thought me special were the ones I wanted to jump? Nah. Magically (my tongue is in my cheek), I was not attracted to those men. Those I called "friends." Those, I thought were nice, but you know, just not my "type." We, after all, had no "chemistry."

Ah, "chemistry," a favorite word many of us wait for. As if "chemistry" is real and something to report on. Something you have nothing to do with. It either exists or not. It's something you feel or not. It's a spark. It's felt in your stomach or chest. You either felt it on that first date with him or her, or not.

But, what if "chemistry," at least the one you all are reporting on, is sneakier than you know, and has NOTHING necessarily to do with a connection and love, but way more to do with YOU and your less-than-pretty theories about life and love?

What if what drew you to a friend or the love of your life is not necessarily the other person, but more your own theories? What if your heart skips a beat, not necessarily because oh my god, this could be it, but because there is something about him or her that proves your favorite dark thoughts correct? What if the chemistry you are searching for and waiting to feel is more like a bad habit than magic?

For example, the man for whom your heart races happens to be taken and not available. "Magically," you are sooo attracted to him. You haven't felt this hot for someone in sooo long. Forever, maybe. What's that, he is married and lives in another country? You think one has nothing to do with the other? Try again.

Ever think that maybe you are wildly attracted to him because he's unavailable? Seemingly, you are open to love. Look, mom, dad, concerned friends, I can feel strongly for someone, see? I'm trying. I'm not broken. Poor me, even.

But if you fall in heat with an unavailable man or woman, are YOU really available? If you say you want a baby and are attracted (cough, cough) to someone who doesn't, do you think you really want a baby? Or is your inner coward your current social planner?

Can you see then that you truly, sneakily, brilliantly, date yourself?

What if it's not they who are the problem? It's not the dating websites that suck. It's not the city you live in, the mother who raised you or the father who didn't. What if it's your current social planner that's suspect?

This is good news, I promise. You don't have to move or even go offline or keep pointing at your folks. You simply have to fire you. I did. Twenty years and two kids ago.



P.S.- Score better dates! Take baby steps: join my Dating 101 one-hour teleseminar on Jan 15th. Willing to dive in deep? Sign up for my 4-week Dating 101 teleseries beginning Feb 5th.