11/07/2011 10:08 am ET Updated Jan 07, 2012

Save Time! Read This and Skip the GOP Debate

The 1000th Republican debate happens Wednesday Nov. 9. I'm washing my hair that night and can't make it. If you are similarly engaged but want to know the essence, here it is. It's in abbreviated format, based on extensive research and highly scientific projections of the candidates' own words.

Herman Cain:
"The media are just confused. 999 is a tax plan, not the number of women I've sexually harassed. That number is 666."

Rick Perry:
"Well, yes, I flew here in a private plane, but I didn't enjoy it -- just trying to keep the private pilots on the job. And yeah, that hot flight attendant did serve drinks on the way to New Hampshire, but I only had two Lone Star beers, just to be polite. See, I'm a regular guy, and my flat tax is a regular plan -- not like some long-winded hoity-toity 59-pager with two-dollar words like 'economics,' that regular folks can't understand. By the way, Mitt -- you're an elitist pantywaist illegal alien lover."

Mitt Romney:
"Listen you Texas bully boy blowhard, shut up and let me talktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalk talktalktalktalktalktalktalk about my economic plan and show off my really well-coordinated shirt and tie. And I am not an illegal-alien-hiring-crook, this is too my real hair, and I am not Ken's illegitimate love child. You'll have to ask Herman about that one."

Ron Paul:
"I hate the government. That's why I've worked for the government for 842 years. I know my suit is too loose. It's what happens when you work for the government and it sucks all the blood out of you. Excuse me, I have go fix my eyebrow. These lights are hot."

Michele Bachmann:
"Hi, I'm the girl and I act like a girl. See my skirt. I don't wear those ball-busting pants like you-know-who. I do what my husband says. If I don't win in the primaries I'm moving to Nashville. I hear twanging is big there."

Rick Santorum:
"Michele, will you marry me? We could have a fami-le-e. It could have values unless we lost our government jobs and got poor, then we could just be shiftless and move to the south. What did you say about Nashville?"

Newt Gingrich:
"No, I cannot look directly into the camera and look down my nose at the same time -- you'll just have to do a side shot. Besides, I'm really running for VP, and when I'm elected I'll make that Richard 'Dick' Cheney look like he wore short pants."

Former China Ambassador Guy:
"Who am I and what am I doing here?"