Los Angeles: Goodyear Satire Company--
Dear Bernie-or-Busters:
Bravo! Your principled refusal to vote for Hillary Clinton has worked exactly as planned!
Hillary has lost! The DNC has been brought to its knees! And the Libertarian Party and the Green Party will get public campaign funds in 2020, almost!
But importantly you dashed Hillary's crash through that glass ceiling and that alone was worth it! We don't want a female president who voted for a war. And she lied about her emails so it's her fault she lost.
You rebel, you have succeeded beyond your wildest dreams. That's sexy.
And the rest of us? We wound up with arguably the worst president in the history of the United States! And you deserve the thanks of a grateful nation.
So, Bernie-or-Busters, here's a toast to you and your spirit of independence!
Here's to you, you rebel.
Why, you're almost as principled as one of those high-minded anti-vaxxers who don't get childhood shots for their kids. That way, everybody else has to inoculate their kids or else they get sick. But so what? You don't have kids and adults don't get diseases, right? Herd immunity FTW.
It only hurts a little bit that we find out Russia was in touch with the Trump campaign during the election. But that's not as bad as the alternative, eh what?
Oh wait. What's this headline?
Who cares? Global Warming is a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese! I know that because President-Elect Trump said so. Forget about all those climate scientists and the rising seas and the hotter drier summers and the parts of the planet that will be uninhabitable in just 20 years. They're making this up to keep their cushy university jobs. We had climate like this eons ago and we came through it just fine, after a few extinction level events. Besides...
So thanks to your foresight, we will have new coal jobs and birds won't get killed by clean solar power plants.
And forget about all these species that are dying off.
2500 African Dholes remain.
They're Losers!
But You, my Friend, are a Winner!
I like a species that doesn't go extinct.
Oh, wait. Here's another headline!
Woo hoo! Who cares? You're covered under your parents' plan until you're 26 years old. Those 22 million people can get insurance the old fashioned way: by going to the emergency rooms when they're sick. The hospitals will take care of them for free, right? They don't need pre-natal care or vitamins if they're pregnant or birth control pills if they're not. It's just their bad luck if they have preexisting conditions. You're a healthy 22 year old - you don't have diabetes or, oh wait.
When Obamacare goes away you'll get thrown off your parents' health insurance. No worry.
If you live in Minnesota, under Trump you can buy cheap insurance across state lines from an Alabama insurance broker. I'm sure they'll have participating doctors in Hibbing and your coverage will never be subject to price increases. I'm positive. Besides, you won't need free mental health consultations because you've shown how smart you are by voting against Hillary! Let's remember our successes instead of dwelling on... another headline.
Goodbye gay rights! Goodbye same sex marriage. It'll happen nationally with Trump and his anti-LGBT hatchet-man Pence, and then state by state with Indiana and North Carolina leading the way.
We won't have to worry about the pesky Supreme Court anymore, either, to protect gay rights or the right to an abortion or for that matter, the right to privacy or the right to birth control. You're not gay, you're not gonna have a same sex marriage and you're not gonna marry your dog. Ha Ha! So it doesn't matter.
And if your girlfriend needs an abortion but has to do some jail time, well, you'll know where she is that whole weekend, right?
Am I right?
No, you're right, that's who is right. You stood up to The Man, my dear Bernie or Buster! And the non voters, too. And the third party voters. You all took one for the team. Thank YOU.
And you didn't even fall for it when Bernie told you to vote for Hillary, no siree Bob! YOU ARE THE MAN!
So sleep well tonight. You did your ego a service tonight. You showed the world that you're a person of your word and nothing, Nothing, NOTHING can move you off course.
You're right and you're righteous!
Don't worry about a free press, or free speech, or the Department of Education, or the United Nations, or NATO or The Wall or college tuition or OSHA job-safety regulations or a federal minimum wage.
We. Don't. Need. Any. Of. It.
Don't worry about tomorrow, either, because you're not a Mexican, or a Syrian refugee, or a Muslim, or a Jew, or a black or a native American. Donald Trump will take care of all of those "others".
He said so last night.
I'm sorry if I sound bitter, but I'm a patriot, just like you. In fact, there's lots of people like me, and I'm trying to explain from a more enlightened point of view because they're hurting. Some of them, like me, remember Al Gore's "loss" in 2000. And we came back from that, right? It only cost us a few trillion dollars and a few wars and how many deaths? Some people thought Ralph Nader had something to do with it, but I'm not so..... Oh, wait. Another headline.
Don't worry,my friend. You're not on it.
Probably.
ADDENDUM:
No matter how angry Bernie or Busters are at the DNC or Hillary, its always the better choice to vote against hate, racism, misogyny and xenophobit when you have the opportunity. The way to change the DNC is from the inside, not from the outside. This writer hopes that Bernie runs in 2020, but that he change his political identification to Democrat now. That's how to change the party.
More Satire by Goodyear Satire Co.
photo credits:
Cocktail by Canelelight 1 By Mike Gifford (m.gifford) via Wikimedia Commons
Endangered African Dhole By Julie Langford via Wikimedia Commons