THE BLOG
02/29/2016 03:16 pm ET Updated Feb 28, 2017

God Endorses Donald Trump

In a stunning announcement today, God, the Lord of Lords and King of Kings, endorsed Donald Trump, the builder of builders and bully of bullies, for President.

By doing so, God overruled his own Holy See, Pope Francis, who recently criticized Trump for "building walls, not bridges."

In an interview with God at St. Patrick's Old Cathedral in New York City this morning, God supported walls, saying "There were plenty of great walls in history, look at Jericho." God also noted that the Garden of Eden was a walled community, featuring plenty of fruit trees, low property taxes and snakes on the Condo Board. "I love snakes," God said, not wanting to offend.

"And not all bridges are great, either," spoke the Holy See No Evil, "What about the Bridge of Sighs, or the George Washington Bridge into Manhattan - that's Hell on a weekday. Even without Chris Christie."

Trump accepted the endorsement in a respectful, reserved fashion, first getting on his knees and thanking God for his "holy kindness and trust" then rising to blast his rival Marco Rubio as a "lying rat bastard" and adding, "I love rat bastards."

God was not the only god interested in the presidential race. "If you win Super Tuesday," God said, "Expect declarations of allegiance from Zeus, Poseidon and Athena. They would have been here, but they're at some cosplay tournament. As if they're not gonna win. They just take people's money."

God explained that Hermes, guide of dead souls to the Underworld, supports Ted Cruz, and Dionysus, son of Zeus, was still licking his wounds after Jeb Bush dropped out. "Kind of a Darth Vader-Luke Skywalker father-son thing going on there, I guess," mused God. "Plus, he lost a fortune betting on Jeb in the online political futures market."

In exchange for the Holy Father's endorsement, Donald Trump has agreed to finance "Oh My God," a sitcom for the A&E Network, starring God and produced by God's Supreme Being Productions.

In the show, God plays a cantankerous billionaire who thinks he's God. Hijinks ensue.