01/11/2012 01:05 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

A Republican Candidate With a Difference

My fellow Americans,

Firstly, I begin by saying my message is intended for American voters only. If you don't live in the United States, or you're some kind of felon who can't vote, I suggest you stop reading now and go click on the "CUTEST POLAR BEAR VIDEO EVER" link elsewhere on this site.

My name is Marvin E. Quasniki and I will be the next president of the United States. That's right, I said "I will be" and not "I would like to be the next president," because frankly, I wouldn't like it. It's a terrible job. But our country's in the crapper, I'm mad as hell, and nobody else seems to be doing anything about it.

Let me tell you about myself and how I arrived at this momentous decision. I'm a turquoise farmer from Tonopah, Nevada. My wife, Myrna, and I are simple people. One night I was looking at some lovely turquoise belt buckles on the Home Shopping Channel, and I happened to flip past a Republican debate. And I tell you, I never heard so much bullshit in my life. I knew I had to do something, and running for president seemed like the easiest thing.

I may still be an unfamiliar face among the GOP candidates, but already my passionate and simplistic campaign promise -- "No More Bullshit!" -- has inspired billions, if not trillions of Americans around the world. In the coming weeks, I will use this forum to tell voters more about my platform and my plan for America. I may also share a favorite recipe or two, or perhaps some dirty jokes that have been forwarded to me via electronic mail. In the meantime, I urge you to join my Facebook page, follow me on Twitter, and keep up with all my campaign videos at

Thank you for your time and/or your interest in cute polar bear videos. God bless you, and God bless America.

Marvin E. Quasniki