01/22/2012 06:33 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

The GOP is Having an Open Relationship With Its Candidates

My fellow Americans,

Seems Republicans can't settle down with one candidate. First that Rick Santorum guy won the Iowa caucus. Then Mitt Romney won in New Hampshire. And now somehow Newt Gingrich manages to pull off a win. It's amazing who some people will vote for. They should be voting for me, you know, primarily, but what really knocks me sideways is that Santorum and Gingrich are beating that funny Ron Paul fella. He's jokey and grouchy and fun to watch. That's kind of like voting for your favorite grandpa.

I should use Newt's strategy. He said that elites in New York and Washington want to keep us from being American, which I think means he's saying rich Jewish people are gonna kill us. That's a message that makes you want to do something. I think it's nice that Newt doesn't consider himself one of the elites, I guess because he's hoping when the revolution finally does come he won't be the first one up against the wall.

I have to admit, I feel a little sorry for my good friend and mortal enemy Mitt Romney. After this big loss, I'm sure he'd be feeling sad and disappointed, if handsome cyborgs had the capacity to feel. Personally, I think he had an unfair disadvantage in the debate. The stage lights were hitting his giant, gleaming choppers and being reflected into the audience, almost directly at his sons. The light was reflected off of their teeth and back at Mitt, who bounced it right back again. By the time it hit Mitt's eyes, the glare must have been blinding.

So what is next for the Quasniki campaign? Well, I was going to take some time off and get some good ol' "R and R" in the Florida sunshine. Turns out that's where the next primary is anyway, so it works out pretty good. Come and vote for me! In the meantime, watch my debate highlights below and go to for more campaign videos. My people tell me it is also very important to do the Facebook and Twitter.

White House, here we come!

Marvin E. Quasniki