It's now six days since the journalism event of the century. I'm talking, of course, about Larry King's interview with Paris Hilton on CNN. I apologize for being last with the story, but I've just woken up. It was the best sleep I've had since the Tony Awards.
The last thing I heard when going under was Larry the Torquemada asking the newsmaker in the hot seat what was her favorite part of the Bible?
She couldn't remember.
As I was passing into the arms of Morpheus, I remember thinking this had to be the worse public relations gaffe of the century. Whoever told her she should go in the ring with the Great Interrogator to examine her mind for a full 60 minutes should have his or her head examined. A sound bite would have been over-exposure.
As a journalist, I still like to ask tough questions myself. For example, what was that all about?
I'm still stumped. But a leading authority has finally figured it out. "I'm personally convinced that Paris Hilton was hired by the White House to divert public attention from what's really going on," explained the noted conspiracyologist, Harriet Lesser. "Paris is a lot more interesting than the White House Iraq Group, tampering with privacy laws, and Dick Cheney's covert one-man government, etc. Yawn. Like how boooooooooring can you get?"
At the risk of not letting sleeping dogs lie, I will go out on a limb here, and predict that as shameful as her performance was as a religious zealot and an intellectual leader of America 's Space Cadet Academy, we haven't heard the last of the Paris story.
There may be another major event or two, some actress going into rehab. Who will it be? People magazine is already checking with its bankers about how much they can spend for the exclusive pictures. MSNBC and CNN are studying their ouija boards and shuffling cards figuring out how to unleash its newshounds seeking the truth. Over-coverage will make us free.
As I wrote here last week, there is no way to put an end to what I call Paris-ite journalism, where the full weight of the nation's media attaches itself to one flea-bitten jump the shark story.
Yes, there is, corrected me political analyst Larry Arnstein. "You've clearly identified what could turn out to be a major issue in the presidential election: how to prevent the media from covering Paris Hilton. I propose building an 800-mile wall around her that will stop journalists from getting to her. Let the wall be topped with barbed wire and broken glass bottles and guarded by border patrol agents with trained Doberman dogs. And it should be funded by a special tax on media outlets based on their coverage of Paris Hilton up to now."
I'll have more to say about this story after I have my first cup of coffee.
In the meanwhile, the FDA should require a doctor's prescription before they let that drug back on the market.