In the middle of a meeting with a magazine editor, the editor's friend Lori popped in to say hi. After introductions were made, Lori saw my crutches and asked me what was wrong. I told her that I had broken my heel. Instead of the typical, "How did you do that?" question that usually follows my heel breaking proclamation, she asked me, "Why did you do that?"
I was stumped. What did she mean why did I break my heel? It's not like it was intentional. She peered at me, waiting for my answer. The editor I was there to see explained to me, "Lori's an intuitive."
Lori asked again, "Why did you break your heel?"
It took me a few days to come up with an answer. (And no, I never saw her again, so I didn't get a chance to explain my why to her. But that's not the point, is it?)
To make a long story short, I first broke my heel more than a year ago. After months of slow healing and mulling the "why" over, I thought it was a sign that I was following the wrong path (see my "Rude Awakenings" post).
Yet, I have changed what I thought the universe was asking me to change and here I am in the exact same place I was a year ago. Frustrated, I began journaling and soul searching for the answer to my "why" and this is what I came up with. Yes, I changed the topic of the book I was writing, I started a new business to fulfill my soul's purpose, I met the "right" people and did the "right" things, but I was still operating under the old model -- one that no longer works for me.
When I received my rude awakening back in April, the message centered around the fact that I had been suppressing my feminine side -- my intuitive nature -- for too long. It was time to stop being so logical and "masculine" and reconnect with the feminine essence. Although I starting writing about intuition and getting in touch with the feminine, I was doing it in a masculine way. I was still planning and organizing and crossing all of my I's and dotting all of my T's rather than letting it flow. Yes, the writing flowed from me like water, but my life did not. In other words, I haven't been taking my own advice! I have become skilled at dishing out how to connect with your intuition, but have I been doing what I advise others to do? In a nutshell, no.
My re-broken heel is letting me know that writing about using your intuition isn't enough. You have to actually use that intuition on a daily basis. This reminds me of a recent lecture by Shiloh Sophia McCloud. She explained that while women are perfectly capable of acting in logical, "masculine" ways, to the extent that counteracts the woman's own nature, she will burn out pretty quickly. Or in my case, keep breaking my heel.
It's probably idealistic to think that life can always flow like water and that we'll always live from our intuition, from a place that honors the essence of who we are. After all, I just spent my afternoon writing my performance evaluation for the State Board of Education -- an act not in line with the way I choose to spend my time. But life happens and due dates abound. At the end of the day, I think what Shiloh was trying to say was that we do have a choice in much more of our lives that we think. To the extent that we can choose to live as many of our moments mindfully, with ease and grace, operating from a place that honors our soul's purpose, we can live a truly joyful, wondrous life. A life where most, if not all, of our decisions are in line with our intuition. That place is something different for each of us, and something that only you can discover for yourself.
In the meantime, I am healing. I am rethinking my life yet again. I am trying to find balance -- a way to honor my obligations while still living as much of the time as I can by my intuition. Lest I fall back into my old way of thinking, I plugged a daily reminder into my iPhone that says, "Why did you break your heel?" Because sometimes the why really is more important than the how.