05/29/2012 07:12 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

America's Got Talent Recap: All That and the Bikini Bombshell Duds

It was off to Tampa, Florida for Monday's America's Got Talent auditions and The Big Guava's talent pool was very much a mix of acts both hot and cold, with a definite leaning toward cold.

The Montage of Horror featured players included a rapper with a Cabbage Patch doll strapped into a baby carrier on his chest, a man who referred to himself as the "real" Edward Scissorhands, a ballet dancer in desperate need of a partner, and my personal favorite of the failures, the Bikini Bombshells whose hilariously uncoordinated dance routine was a certifiable dud. Nick Cannon said, "They're cute but they cannot dance" and Howie Mandel went on to explain his astonishment that a troupe of attractive women somehow managed to remove the sex appeal from hot pants. Howard Stern advised them to find rich husbands. I see a bright future in a Real Housewives series, yes?

Also, unfortunately relegated to the slush pile was Michael Griffin, a professional escape artist who claimed to be the only human who ever survived a hanging by horse. I was excited. Unfortunately, the decision to call Howard Stern up to the stage to clumsily tie him to a chair may have been the nail in the metaphorical coffin. In the end, it just wasn't that exciting. Sharon Osbourne recommended enlisting the help of a professional knot tier to enhance his stage cred, after all, Howard's knots weren't that impressive and looked to be about on par with children's attempts to tie their siblings up. 'A' for effort, 'D' for execution.

Advancing to Vegas were a bunch of unnamed contestants who looked really awesome, but whose performances were glossed over due to time constraints (not cool) and a few people whose names we actually got to learn. The nonprofit dance group Inspire the Fire called themselves the "urban Glee" and won the favor of all three judges, including Howard, who claimed to hate Glee. All That, an all-male clogging group from Myrtle Beach also earned three yes's from the judges and somehow managed to make clogging fun, exciting, and yes, sexy.

Another dance crew, Boss, won a standing O and The Distinguished Gentlemen of Brass took me back to my marching band days, except they had way more stylish threads -- black fedoras beat yellow feathers every time.

And finally, rounding out the evening was Ulysses, a cheerful guy who sang the theme from The Love Boat and almost instantly earned the rejection of Howard Stern. Howie Mandel, however, embraced his smooth voice and quirky song choice. Sharon Osbourne found herself stuck in the middle as tie-breaker, a spot she seems to find herself in almost weekly, when despite his best efforts to woo Stern with his other odd and awesome song choices (the themes from Green Acres and The Addam's Family), Stern remained staunchly devoted to his negative vote. Sharon sided with Howie and Ulysses was off to Las Vegas. I can get behind that decision. It was a weird, but oddly endearing performance and the man really does have a great voice.

Who was your favorite/least favorite contestant?

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