05/24/2012 01:35 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

America's Got Talent Recap: Meet the Parents

Was it just me or did the Montage of Horrors last longer than usual this time around? Let's see, we had the rejected roller-dancers and the creepy mimes. There was the French horn group that earned my love as a former horn player, though even I knew back in high school that it was not a sexy instrument. Nobody wept during the second round of New York City auditions, but Howard Stern's parents made an appearance. When Howard referred to one resoundingly rejected contestant a "nudnik," Papa Stern was invited up to the stage to give the "confused young man" some advice, "Don't be stupid, you moron."

I couldn't have said it better myself, really.

So who did make the cut last night?

John Pizzi, a ventriloquist from Brooklyn projected images of our three judges and answered the burning question: what would a lovechild between Howie Mandel and Howard Stern look like?

Sharon Osbourne described the audition of acrobalancing duo Donovan and Rebecca as some sort of "love scene from a sci-fi movie." I blame the tighty-white unitard with the ab-window. They were awesome though and I totally loved Rebecca's "girls are strong too" angle. Watch her lift the 200lb Donovan like it's no big thing:

There was a very pink and frilly dance team whose name we didn't get to learn and an all-girl rock band called Ivy Rose whose act we barely saw, reaffirming my stance that gee, it sure would be nice if we could pay appropriate attention to the acts who did make the cut, rather than mock the slush pile.

All Beef Patty wowed the judges and the audience with her fabulous "Lady Gaga" cover and glorious pink bouffant. Tom Cotter, another comedian, was understated and hilarious and appropriately advanced to Vegas.

The big tension moment was Stepz performance, which was excellent, but smacked a little too similar to Turf for Howard's liking. Technical perfection aside, he claimed not to see anything that particularly amazed him. Howie disagreed and Sharon was left to break the tie -- she tends to wind up in that position a lot doesn't she? In the most epic of fake-outs, she fed the stunned audience a monologue about "hating to do this to real talent" and sounding very much like she was about to hand down a reluctant rejection... before giving Stepz her blessing to go to Las Vegas.

Stepz was our last winner of the night. Rounding out the reject pile was a group of male strippers who only really had their abs doing for them. Howard joined them on stage. It was awkward.

Who was your favorite performer in the Big Apple?

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