03/22/2013 04:17 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

40 Percent Gay and Indifferent

Around the time when MySpace was appropriate and I thought George Bush was the devil (2003/4), I recall taking a "gay test" somewhere on the WWW. Alas, like much in my poisoned intellect, I can't recall the particulars other than the result; a substantial "gay score" of 40 percent.

Being 40 percent gay stuck with me. Still, to this very gray day, it sounds about right. By typical conventions, I suppose I am pretty gay. I couldn't give a shit less about cars, saving money, most sports and generally find alpha-maleness and its practitioners dreadfully boring. I've never changed a light-bulb in my life. I'm shit scared of all insects (even ants... They're so small they might lay eggs up your fucking nose, man). I constantly and openly moisturize. I spend more time in the beauty aisle at Target than the beer section.

Forty percent gay does not mean that four out of every 10 times I do sexy time with someone they happen to possess a pee-pee. Despite being close a couple of times, I've never actually engaged genitally with a man. Not that I wouldn't, but for me to go all the way they'd have to be a pretty spectacular piece of ass. Anderson Cooper, Clooney, Captain Kirk, etc. would make the cut, but all are obviously way out of my league.


In an effort to better understand this hefty minority within, I've been slowly reading about gay history. Despite being exaggeratedly academic and anemic in parts, Hidden from History: Reclaiming the Gay and Lesbian Past, helps elucidate upon the philosophical and historical experience of gayness. Generally, people comprehend that same gender sexing wasn't particularly considered a bad thing until around the High Middle Ages and the rise of Christianity. Without getting into the whole realism V nominalism discussion, mostly because it's bone dry, this historical understanding is generally correct.

Going against the defined forward motion of evolution, I often think society is dumber now then we were before the pandemic escalation of Catholic Christianity. Why and how gay became a negative is a fascinating journey affirming this idea.

I hate (not really) to be the bearer of obvious news, but if you believe being gay is bad, you're stupid. If you have this belief, you're a worthless throwback to a moral absolutist era when, first offender sodomites lost their testicles, second offenders lost their penis, and third offenders were burned at the stake.

If you don't like gay boys and girls, open your senses, stop being thoughtless and accept your own gayness within. Thankfully, no one is 100 percent gay or 100 percent straight. Like everything, gayness shouldn't be understood in black and white. So today, in an effort to affirm my outlook that this is a complex, weird and charming Technicolor world, I'm proudly announcing that I am 40 percent gay. Your gayness too is a scale. Find it and start being gayer. Be yourself.