04/03/2014 11:18 am ET Updated Jun 03, 2014

At Last! Victory For the Old System! America Takes Another Step Toward Monarchy!

As an Englishman I'd like to congratulate the Supreme Court of the United States for bringing America one step closer to monarchy. I know a lot of people might think this is a backward step, but come on... why did you leave in the first place? Decentralization of power, one man-one vote? Ugh! America already has an aristocracy far more powerful than any European country, including England. It's taken 250 years, but with these two brilliant decisions, Citizens United and now McCutcheon, the court has knocked down the last hurdles inhibiting the rich from buying the politicians outright. At last a group of wealthy "landowners", the one percent, the fabulous elite, can now dictate policy and make sure their interests take precedence over those of the serfs, the idiots, the workers -- those who only vote. (Vote! How charmingly archaic!)

Soon a vote will mean nothing. Then the populace can watch an actual monarchy evolve! Will it be the House of Koch? Or does this lavishly porked-up Southerner, McCutcheon, deserve that honor, he and his line? Maybe a battle is in order between the House of Koch and the House of McCutcheon. No, don't get too excited! This is just the start. Another few hundred years from now, inbreeding within the one-percent will bring on a European style class of quasi-imbecilic princes and princesses with unlimited power and money. Watch as they misbehave! Marvel at their cruelty! "Let them eat cake!" Laugh, I nearly died! There is nothing more fun to observe than the demented but entirely empowered antics of royalty.

Thank you, Supreme Court for this guarantee of entertainment at the cost of democracy.