07/12/2009 05:12 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Newt Gingrich Angers the Zombie Reagan

All is not well in Republican-land. And all is not well with our nation's second leading Republican. And who is our nation's second leading Republican? Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell? House Minority leader John Boehner?

No, according to an USA Today/ Gallup poll, the person who Republicans see as being the GOP's second leading spokesperson is none other than former House Speaker Newt Gingrich. Newt lost by mere percentage points to radio host Rush Limbaugh. Each had a whopping 10%.

However, Newt's number two spot may be in jeopardy to a surging Dick Cheney because Newt has done the unthinkable. He has attacked one of the Republican sacred cows. No, not the rich. But almost as bad. Newt attacked former president Ronald Reagan. As you may have heard, at a June 8th speech to the Republican Senate and House campaign committees, Newt declared:

Let me be clear. I am not a citizen of the world. I think the entire concept is intellectual nonsense and stunningly dangerous.

Now, one would think that he was rightly attacking President Obama, who shamelessly declared himself a "citizen of the world". I mean, what kind of latte sipping elitist thinks that America is part of the world, right?

Well, it turns out that addressing the United Nations in 1982, President Reagan stated:

I speak today as both a citizen of the United States and of the world. ... My people have sent me here today to speak for them as citizens of the world, which they truly are, for we Americans are drawn from every nationality represented in this chamber today.

Now if there's one rule of the Republican Fight Club, other than You Don't Talk About Republican Fight Club it's... You Don't Attack The Reagan. Because not only is the Reagan your party's God, attacking the Reagan stirs up dark spirits buried deep within the depths of hell.

Don't believe me? Well, just look at this exclusive footage of what happened when Newt Gingrich dared attack the Reagan.

The horror, right? And Newt didn't even mean to attack the Reagan. He was just throwing some red meat to the moron Republican base. The goobers who love Freedom Fries and are too dense to realize that not seeing ourselves as part of the world is one of the primary causes of the peril our country faces today.

But, in angering the Republican demons, Newt may have found the GOP's salvation. Why look for the next Reagan, when you can just use the old Reagan?

I'm pretty sure there's nothing in the Constitution barring a zombie from being President, right?


Feel free to follow me on Twitter if you're someone who does that sort of thing.