THE BLOG
12/02/2013 04:27 pm ET Updated Feb 01, 2014

5 Reasons Why Self-Loathing Is the Secret to Low-Stress Holidays

The holidays are already here -- can you believe it? I can't! And I even looked at a calendar!! (LOL!) Just like Christmas displays have crept into stores, you're probably feeling stress creeping in to your life. But don't worry, I'm here to help. I discovered the secret to no-stress holidays -- hating myself! Here are five great reasons why self-loathing can give you a stress-free December.

1. Self-Loathing Saves You Money

Sure, you could go out for drinks with friends, have fun, and radiate with joy and gratitude for the people in your life. But those drinks aren't free, and they can really add up! Instead, do what I do -- stay home alone, drink a carton of America's Value Brand eggnog, have a nostalgic cry to The Year Without a Santa Claus, drunkenly wrestle yourself into the Christmas sweater your grandmother gave you when you were seven, and pass out in front of the vision board that was supposed to help you find a boyfriend before the end of the year. Frugal!

2. Self-Loathing Makes Dealing With Family Easy

When you visit home during the holidays, your mom and dad work hard to let you know how much you're disappointing them. Save everyone time and effort by disappointing yourself! For example, to help my mom, I'll say, "Another year without grandchildren," give a deep sigh, and go upstairs to weep softly into the pillow of my childhood bed. With that off her plate, my mom can focus on more important things, like wondering where she went wrong with me.

3. Self-Loathing Eliminates the Need for a Diet

When you give up on yourself, life can seem like a dark, endless hole that sucks in all joy and spits out a dark, reeking bile of hopelessness -- but that means more raspberry cheesecake for you! In fact, I find self-loathing doubly freeing when it comes to food -- not only do I not care about myself enough to watch what I eat, but I can also try to fill that gaping emotional pit with delicious gingerbread houses, festive cheese platters, and the two-buck chuck my asshole friends try to pass off as good wine by decanting it so I can't see the label.

4. Self-Loathing Will Help You Get More Sleep

I used to spend the holidays buzzing from party to party and volunteering my time to help those in need. And what did I get? Exhausted! Now, I sleep 15 or more hours a day so I don't have to be awake to deal with my own dumb bullshit.

Frugal side note -- if you have trouble sleeping, stock up on Nyquil at Costco. You can get six doses (aka "bottles") for $45. Costco is also a great location to get inspiration for hating yourself AND others while also buying a 12-pack of elastic-ankled sweatpants and a block of cheddar cheese large enough to choke a horse.

5. Self-Loathing Can Make Next Year Easier Too

Make your New Years Resolutions easy -- resolve to hate yourself! It takes about a month to make something into a habit, so if you start despising everything about yourself now, it'll be almost automatic by the time January 1 rolls around. That's what I did last year, and while my friends were grumbling about going to the gym or jonesing for cigarettes, I was curled up on my couch, chain smoking and wondering -- if my sadness took physical form, if it would smother me and finish this endless slog called life? And after all that work, my self-loathing is now automatic!

Also, a helpful habit-forming tip -- to make it easier, try hating yourself at the same time each day. It can be when you're cleaning your disgusting body in the shower; when you get into work, obsessing over why three of your coworkers always get coffee together but never ask you to come; or just after you wake up, simply disappointed that you didn't manage to swallow your tongue and choke in your sleep.

Have you already started hating yourself? Why or why not? Share in the comments!