Father's Day is almost here — and you're broke? Don't worry! These gift ideas are all cheap (or free!), totally unexpected, and incredibly meaningful!
1. Carving Your Dad's Name on Your Arm With a Knife
This is a permanent way to say "I love you" -- and it's a lot cheaper than a tattoo! Tip: Poorly healed scars have an awesome raised texture that dads love, so try rubbing dirt in the wound immediately after carving.
2. Blackmail on Mom
Whether it's a bill from her secret credit card, compromising photos of her with another man, or just a tip that she's still taking those percs even though it's been two years since the car accident, blackmail on the woman dad "loves" is a gift that keeps on giving.
3. Fake Kidnapping
Help dad feel thankful to be alive! Sneak into his house, cover his head with a sack, and drive him around town while waxing poetic on the torturous things you're going to do to him and his family (that's you -- so have fun with it!!!). Finally, drop him in a loud and confusing public place, such as a suburban PF Chang's during Father's Day brunch, where he will be left to beg for help and lettuce wraps. Bonus: Every time you want to remind him of how special life is in the future, all you have to do is let him smell Chang's Mongolian Beef to set off his inevitable PTSD!
4. "Golf" and "Retirement"
Dads love golf and retirement -- so what better gift than an application to work part-time at the golf course as he shambles into his twilight years? Not only will he get to spend lots of time around his favorite activity, but he'll also get the message that you won't be providing financial support as he grows older and struggles to continue finding meaning in life despite the monotony of daily existence!
5. The Announcement of Your First Child
Let dad experience the joy of expecting his first grandchild -- just don't tell him until the next day that it was a lie, and you have too much student loan debt and emotional baggage to even think about bringing a child into this world like he selfishly did.
6. More Work
Dad sure loved being at work instead of at home when you were growing up -- reward him with more work to do! Or, better yet, work through Father's Day yourself, refusing to contact him -- because what better gift can you give than showing dad how much you learned from him?
Editor's note: This post is satirical