01/28/2009 02:17 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

A Museum for America

In the city where I live, there are two disgusting museums: one where patrons can look at diseased faces in jars, and another where the brave can stare at scorpions, spiders, and a kitchen chock-full of cockroaches. The existence of these museums proves that humans love getting close to things that disgust and terrify them as long as there's a pane of glass keeping them safe. So, I started thinking recently about how attending these museums is a lot like reading celebrity news--we can learn about poor Amy Winehouse's 5 a.m. bra escapades without having to take the heroin required to experience them ourselves. However, it's one thing to read about Amy's wandering or Britney's flapping-free vagina, and something else entirely to experience the terror and thrill of seeing these things up close. That's why I'm going to open what America has been craving: a celebrity breakdown museum.

Built to look like the Betty Ford Center, the Celebrity Breakdown Museum will feature fun and educational exhibits for people of all ages. Visitors will start at "check in," where the museum's friendly staff will search their bags for hidden pills. Then it's off to the first exhibit, "The Making of a Celebrity." Using cocktail recipes, the exhibit describes how average folks become explosive, strung-out, fiery balls of paparazzi fodder. Favorite recipes will include "The Child Star" (one part lack-of-education with two parts controlling parents), "The Musician" (three parts heroin, one part beer), and "The Simple Life" (one part rich daddy, one part feeling of immortality, and a dash of bitters).

From there, it's on to a series of animatronic dioramas recreating your favorite celebrity low moments--except now you're the paparazzi! Get your flashbulbs ready for drunk Mel Gibson making anti-Semitic slurs to his arresting officer. Make sure your trigger finger is quick, because Russell Crowe is in a high-end London restaurant...and it looks like he's about to start a brawl! And get ready to laugh, because Oprah is on, and Tom Cruise is about to declare his love for Katie Holmes all over again. This section of the museum will also feature educational "Science Breaks," including "How much does take to get Mel Gibson drunk?" "Can I get germs from Russell Crowe punching me?" and "What's the tensile strength of Oprah's couch springs?"

Got wee ones? They'll love the Celebrity Breakdown Museum's Sean Preston Room, where children five-and-under can watch videos that teach valuable life lessons about being raised by a troubled celebrity. There's the health conscious "My bones are growing," which encourages children to ask for milk if they're offered Midori; "Pets are fun when they're fed," where kids learn how to feed the 100 tiny dogs their parents buy and then ignore; and the fun number song, "Count to Five, Then Start CPR Again."

The capstone of the museum experience will be the hourly performance of Ladies of L.A., a musical show highlighting favorite Hollywood ladies from Judy Garland to Jamie Lynn Spears. Brilliantly recreated by a cast of recent musical theater graduates, the show will feature such numbers as Naomi Campbell's "My Phone Was the Only Thing I Could Throw" to Elizabeth Taylor's "Diamonds Are Forever, Drugs Are for Tonight." During the show, one very special young lady will be selected from the audience and given the "star treatment" --a pregnancy belly and a bottle of Grey Goose--to represent the upcoming generation of girls who will have their fat and mental health chewed up by the Hollywood machine.

Of course, no museum visit is complete without a trip to the gift shop. On your way out, make sure to grab a copy of Paris Hilton's book (on deep, deep discount), an official 2009 US Weekly "Then and Now" calendar comparing celebrities' sexy past looks to their current unhealthy images, or a pair of official Amy Winehouse pre-bloodied ballet flats. And don't forget to grab a half-price coupon for your next visit...because you never know when a new celebrity will be added to the museum.