01/28/2009 02:17 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Senator Obama: I Have Your Vice President

Dear Senator Obama,

Congratulations on becoming the democratic nominee for the 2008 presidential election! Now you face the daunting task of picking the perfect running mate. It's a difficult decision, one that could polarize your supporters and ultimately lose you the election. That's why I'd like to take this moment to suggest a running mate you might not have considered, one who doesn't carry the baggage of Hillary Clinton or feature the blandness of John Edwards: Me.

Don't laugh. Sure, I might not have experience on Capitol Hill, but I'll tell you what I do have experience with: The Hills. I'm down with today's young people, and not just the ones that make up your supporters. I'm talking about the people who agreed with DMX when he said, in response to hearing about your run for the presidency, "Barack Obama. Get the f*** outta here."

Besides, my lack of experience is my greatest asset! People don't have any preconceived notions about me. I mean, lots of people hate Hillary Clinton. The only people who hate me are the ones I went to high school with. That's like 200 people as opposed to Clinton's 20 million!

Still, I recognize the importance of a VP's name. That's why I am willing to change my name to "Hillary 'Ron Paul' Edwards-Nader." I am also totally OK if you want to call me "Veep." Heck, you can even say it like Road Runner--"Veep veep!" Try it. It's fun, right? That's the sort of great time we'd have together.

I've also learned a lot of great lessons from past vice presidents. I can promise you that I will not shoot anyone in the face (while in office). And I've learned from Al Gore's mistake as well--I'll make my hit film during my time as VP, not after, so our administration can benefit from the ratings boost that comes from an Oscar win.

So please, Mr. Obama, give me a call. With your solid skills and my knowledge of U.S. Weekly, we can turn this country around.


Your Future Veep