Going to the Doggy Darkside

10/23/2014 05:57 pm ET Updated Dec 23, 2014

I've never put my dog in a Halloween costume. Never. People who dress their dogs as bumblebees or super heroes or Mr. Darcy, are people who refer to themselves as their dog's mommy or daddy. Please. I did not give birth to my labrador retriever, Seamus, and if I had, I would have contacted the Weekly World News.


It would fit in nicely with stories about a chimp's head being put on a human body and Bigfoot being kept as a love slave.

The closest I came to outfitting him, was when he was a pup, and I tried to tie a little red bandana around his neck, because, I thought his labradorableness needed accessorizing? He went nuts, spinning, jumping, double Lutzing, and I never subjected him to my whims again, which is probably why I have Alpha issues. He wears a leather collar with his rabies tag and Saint Rocco (patron saint of dogs) medal and he is fine with it. As am I. But that was before I had to get toilet paper and toothbrushes.

I was in Target, and there it was, hanging on an aisle end cap, among the polyester brides, wiener dog buns and puggalicious sunflowers -- a black and white padded football jersey, number 00, Wide Retriever on the back in big white letters.

I couldn't.

I shouldn't.

But... come on... Wide Retriever! It was practically sitting up and begging. We could ration the T.P. and maybe those flattened toothbrushes had another week left in them. So, I bit.

Remember that fairy tale about the guy who was supposed to sell the cow so the starving family could eat, but instead he traded the cow for a handful of magic beans? That's kind of how I felt after I plunked down what was left in our joint checking account (until payday) on a doggy Halloween costume.

Seamus greeted me at the back door. "Wait till you see what I've got for you!" I said.

Food? Is it food? I hope it's food!

I pulled the outfit out of the bag and let him have a sniff.

"Get it? Wide Retriever!"

He gave me a look. His version of WTF.

"Oh, come on! It'll be fun!"

Fun? Like wearing a cone fun?

I clipped the little nylon thingies that held it on the cardboard form and unfurled it.

"Look, if you don't like it, I swear, I'll take it off and that will be the end of it, okay?"



What's in it for me? I mean, there's gotta be something in it for me.

"I'll give you a piece of left over pizza!"

He cocked his head. Wagged his tail. He was all in.

I don't want to say he looked adorable in it, but he looked adorable in it. And, he let it stay on for several photos that I immediately posted and have received more 'likes' than any postings of my human offspring. Sad? No. The sad part is... Mommy is already thinking of his costume for next year.