06/14/2012 02:44 pm ET Updated Feb 02, 2016

EXXXcuse My Porn

Sex toys can be dangerous, whether or not they are in use.  I learned that lesson while running a random errand a few days ago.

Now I am not a sex toy kind of girl, which may come as a surprise to many who assume all lesbians are. However, I acquired quite a collection of such products while in morning radio. That's because our show would host a Valentine's Day party for singles, and one of the sponsors would generously provide a gift box of adult items so we could test out the products. I was on the show for 10 years, which adds up to many Valentine's Days and a cornucopia of goodies that stayed housed at the bottom of our closet at home.

Recently my girlfriend, Katie, spearheaded a military-esque domestic cleaning effort that I was drafted into, and our closet was one of the territories I was to conquer. The intention of our efforts was to collect items we no longer use and donate them all to Goodwill. Needless to say when I came across the forgotten handcuffs, edible sets of underwear, plugs, and stimulating gels, I knew I was not about to personally hand that over to a charity. So, I threw the collection in a bin and placed it the back of my car. That way our guests had no chance of stumbling upon these late night Pay-per-view items, and they could be safely tucked away until I knew how to get rid of them.

That was several weeks ago, and when it comes to items in my car my policy has always been out of sight, out of mind. That is why I am always surprised to find that random shoe or lost charger in the back floorboard, as if I haven't been driving this same vehicle for years. Such was the case when I ran to the vet to pick up some dog food.

Upon leaving I hugged the massive food bag as if I were giving it the Heimlich, and found it hard to open the exit door. Fortunately a father and daughter were just ahead of me to help, but unfortunately they were leaving with an empty carrier and tears in their eyes. I could see the daughter was trying to hold it together after losing her furry friend, and it wasn't until they reached the parking lot that she broke down and accepted her father's embrace. I was parked next to them, and felt the need to give my condolences, but knew that would be much easier without the food. So I popped my trunk to drop the bag in, and just as I opened my mouth to get their attention the Urban Perversions V DVD stared me in the face.

When trauma occurs things tend to move in slow motion. Staring at Urban Perversions V, I took into account that the United States Postal Service bin I was using to store my porn had no cover, so anyone looking into my car would see the illegal mobile store I was operating. This grieving woman and her father were just feet away from me and my stash, and the words 'I'm So Sorry For Your Loss' were just about to gain full volume. I threw the bag on top of the box, slammed the trunk shut to muffle any squeak escaping from my lips, and jumped in the driver's seat without looking back.

Feeling foolish about forgetting these items were in the car, I called my girlfriend knowing she would get a good laugh out of it. I told her all that had happened, and when I got to the part where, "they almost saw all the porn," a funny noise came from Katie's end. I hadn't realized I was on her speaker phone at work. Or that her mother was visiting in her office.

Like I said, sex toys can be dangerous, whether or not they are in use. And if anyone has a suggestion on how to get rid of porn, let me know. Otherwise I will have a follow-up to this in a few weeks, once I again forget I have a trunk full of sex toys in my car.