At least once a week people ask me this question: So What is your husband doing now? The title of this my blog is Married My Sugar Daddy, as a tongue in cheek take on the absurdity of being a young girl who assumes that marrying a man who is older than her, and wealthier than her will set her up in a life of SUGAR aka Louie Vuitton handbags and no need to ever log a day at any kind of worky job. While my truth is I did marry someone who was 15 years older than me who at the time was already an established nephrologist, who I assumed would see patients until the ripe old age of 85, we never had that stereotypical sugar baby-sugar daddy relationship.
The funniest part of all this is that EVERY DAY I get at least 30 searches to this blog about "how to meet a sugar daddy?" "What do I need to do to be a sugar baby?" "How much time does it take to get a sugar daddy" "Is it gross to have sex with a sugar daddy?" And well I could bore you and kind of GROSS you out with these very kinky searches I get but I'll save them for another post.
Ours was more a relationship based on the fact that we found kindred spirits in one another. Weird that as a 23-year-old I would find my kindred spirit in a 38 year old, and yet four months later we were engaged. I loved his compassion for animals, his quiet thoughtful nature and his scientific mind.
I knew this man would be a wonderful father to my babies. Yes he did have a lot more money and assets entering our union and his earning power was more than mine but I felt secure in the fact that he supported my career aspirations and with his steady income we would never have to worry about paying our electric bill. For me that is all I have ever really wanted -- security that I could get my basic needs met. I've never felt compelled to shop every day for the most coveted purse or pair of shoes. Those were not my goals at 23 and they are not my goals at 40.
But let me get back to my initial sentence, the fact that I am often casually, asked: "Yo Melissa what is up with your husband? I see him picking up the kids, he coaches baseball and basketball. Does he ever work?" And the truth is, yes. He works in SO MANY WAYS. He takes care of so many big and little things such as dishes, lunches, dinners, dogs, homework and kids. The list, which is one so many stay-at-home moms can attest to, goes on.
Yes it is TRUE, he is no longer working as a physician, after logging 25 years in that field. And yes it has been a sacrifice in some ways for me as a wife and as a mother to have him leave his career behind. But I also know that the time he gets to be around our kids -- is time, if he were working, he could never get back.
As a family we could never get it back. I don't remember ever having family dinners, after-dinner basketball games and just all that ordinary- take-it-for-granted- family-kids-growing-up-time when he was at the hospital seven days a week. These moments and these memories are effectively shaping my kids in ways that are hard to articulate.
Of course the monetary sacrifice does sting. I'm not going to lie. While I don't need a trip to the Caribbean to complete me -- it would be nice to have all that extra income to make money a complete non-issue. But at what cost? At the cost of my husband being absolutely miserable at a job that made him want to drive his car off the bridge during his morning commute?
Of course if you would've asked me all this at 23, perhaps I would've looked at you quizzically and said, "You mean he's not going to be a doctor anymore? After all those years of fellowship, residency and study?" But that's the thing about marriage and, something I believe so many newly married couples can only learn after being in the trenches of a marriage -- who you marry will not be the same person one year or five years into that marriage. Marriage is also a series of so many compromises and sacrifices, and I guess it all boils down to this -- are these sacrifices ones you can LIVE WITH and not only be okay with, or ones that just don't feel natural and healthy. No one can make that determination for you -- only you can.
I am not going to lie -- there are moments when I wish -- for a split second that my husband was back practicing medicine. Sure he would be MISERABLE but we'd have so much more material wealth, and then I realize how foolish that sounds. As long as I can pay my electric bill it's all good.
What are some sacrifices that you have made to stay in your marriage?
This blog post originally appeared on Married My Sugar Daddy.