THE BLOG
12/29/2014 10:36 am ET Updated Feb 28, 2015

Anatomy of a 16-Year Wedding Anniversary Present (or What Not to Give Your Wife)

Sugar Daddy (aka the husband who is currently sleeping on the couch): "I don't want to talk about it -- I'm sorry I made a mistake. I bought you a practical gift. I thought you would like it, I thought you would think it was cute I thought you would think it was warm. And comfortable like our relationship"

Me: "So basically what you are saying is that -- after 16 years of marriage -- you think the best gift to give me are two pillows and a sheet?"

Sugar Daddy ( aka the husband who is currently sleeping on the couch): "It's not a sheet it's a set of flannel sheets and they were expensive."

Me: "Really -- are you really trying to defend your flannel sheets?"

Sugar Daddy ( aka the husband who is currently sleeping on the couch): "No I knew it was bad."

Me: "So why the hell did you get it for me -- you know I am not all about needing a Harry Winston necklace -- but getting two pillows and a sheet makes me think that I have lowered the bar so low that you think it is acceptable to get me a gift that is really more for the house and for you than for me. We both sleep in the bed so really this is a gift for you. Nothing abut this gift says : 'I love you, I still think you are hot, I cherish you.' To me this gift says, 'You are as exciting to me as a broomstick. So... I think you should take your pillows and sheets and get your own bed and sleep someplace else."

Sugar Daddy ( aka the husband who is currently sleeping on the couch): "Oh c'mon I looked at all the things and went past the jewelry store and I even looked for a doll for you."

Me: "So -- you couldn't find ANYTHING except for sensible pillows and sheets to show me how much you love me???"

I am ashamed to have to write this post -- but I'm doing it for all those wives who get HORRIBLE ANNIVERSARY PRESENTS to try and figure out what goes on inside the mind of the married man. So please enlighten me.

Sugar Daddy ( aka the husband who is currently sleeping on the couch): "You said not to spend a lot of money -- in fact you said not to buy you anything."

Me: "YOU KNOW you should never listen to what I say."

Sugar Daddy ( aka the husband who is currently sleeping on the couch): "I never learn."

Me: "And of all the things you saw -- your thought was -- Oh I'll pass on the candle and the jewelry and make a beeline for the home goods section?! Please explain yourself."

Sugar Daddy ( aka the husband who is currently sleeping on the couch): "It was just a lack of imagination and romance."

Me:" It makes me feel like you see me as a scullery maid. First of all the sheets you got -- they are not even my STYLE."

Sugar Daddy ( aka the husband who is currently sleeping on the couch): "I thought they were cute and warm."

Me: "And how does this gift encapsulate 16 years of marriage -- after 16 years you see me as someone who would love getting pillows and a sheet? what does this say about what you think of me and the years we have spent together? You see me at my finest when my eyes are closed ad my mouth is shut -- asleep in bed?"

Sugar Daddy ( aka the husband who is currently sleeping on the couch): "It was dumb, what can I say. I just had no imagination, I didn't see anything I liked, jewelry seemed superfluous, you have jewelry... I don't know."

Me: "And you didn't think this would read as totally unromantic?"

Sugar Daddy ( aka the husband who is currently sleeping on the couch) : "I knew it was, I don't know why I did it, I couldn't think of anything."

Me: "Why would a husband do this to his wife?"

Sugar Daddy ( aka the husband who is currently sleeping on the couch): "I did never learn that being practical when it comes to gifts is BAD. I should've gotten you something that would make you feel special -- which is what I wanted to do with the pillows and sheets."

Me: "How would pillows and sheets makes me feel special?"

Sugar Daddy ( aka the husband who is currently sleeping on the couch): "Because it was given from my heart -- I wanted to give you something from my heart , I didn't have any ideas what to get you."

Me: "A pillow and sheets is from your heart -- I don't get it?"

Sugar Daddy ( aka the husband who is currently sleeping on the couch): "I though t it was something we needed and I thought you would like it even though it wasn't romantic. I'm sorry I wish I could take it back. Now it's too late."

Me: To me this says -- you have no idea who I am or what I like."

Sugar Daddy ( aka the husband who is currently sleeping on the couch): "It just seemed like buying you an expensive gift would've been just to get you a gift -- it still wouldn't have meant anymore. It would have been a waste of money to buy you a necklace."

Me: "That's what anniversaries are for -- to splurge and get something you wouldn't get on an average shopping trip to the mall. YOU messed up buddy big time. To me this says -- I am not of value -- I am not worth the splurge... I am a sensible pillow and sheets kind of wife."

This post originally appeared on Married My Sugar Daddy